Yellow

i met you in a dream

in the middle of your grief.

i can't remember your face,

but i can remember your pain.

the sound of your weeping

still lingers in my memory.

all i wanted to say is,

i'm sorry if i woke up

and left you behind with your tears.

*** Sooooooooo. Here's the story. I had this weird dream around six months ago. It was quite different from the ones I've had before, because this one didn't feel like a dream at all. Usually, I can differentiate dream from reality once I wake up, yet with this one, it felt all too real.

The dream went like this. I was with this person and  it seemed like it was more than a day. We've been to places and it was all good. Then, the setting changed and suddenly we were in a room. This person was trying so hard to hold on to his emotion because he just lost someone. Someone that I also met and knew in my dream. But when I approached him and told him that it's okay to let it all out, he held on to me and that's when the dam broke. God, I can still remember how his howl sounded like and just by thinking about it, I can still feel this tight clench around my chest. Damn it. Now I wanna cry again. Anyway. So another shift in the setting. We were walking around at night and we found ourselves in a familiar part of the city. It's a street with tall buildings and the street was dark. Then, we reached a building with a lighted room that can be seen from the outside. When I took a peek, I saw that inside it was painted dark blue and was only illuminated by the glow of fairy lights. It looked like the sky at night. I showed it to him and I remember telling him "Look at the lights. They look like stars. Remember how much she loved the stars?" (hence the title of the post). And that's how we ended up crying all over again on the sidewalk. That was the last thing I remembered before I woke up and I realized that I was crying and sobbing for real.

Most of you are probably thinking right now that I'm just making too much out of it. That it was just a dream. I don't know. But the thing is, it left me a nagging feeling that this person is known to me. Probably not in this world, but in another reality. I just feel really bad for leaving this person behind when I woke up from my dream. I hope everything is well and will be better.

Can't Sleep

It's 2:22 am and surprisingly so, I'm still wide awake. I can't figure out if it's due to sugar and caffeine overdose or something else. (and now the song "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional is currently playing - too early to say goodnight). Considering that it's been a long day and a tiring one as well. That's why I don't understand why my brain is all wired up and my neurons are buzzing around all over the place as if the sun is up and shining. I honestly think I still have the energy to clean the whole house if I wanted to. Damn it. So here I am, staring at my computer screen, just spilling my thoughts out. 

So where should I begin?

Well, I'm still trying to put my life back on track. Since the pandemic hit, everything felt like it was all in shambles. To tell you the truth, (now, "Marry Me" by Train is playing) I'm not really  good with planning my life. At all. I probably got used to the idea of letting the circumstances decide for me. To let me be carried to where the wind blows. And I thought I was already content with that. But sometime last year, I realized that I'm not getting any younger and so I probably should start learning how to steer the wheel on my own. So what I did, I tried to resign from my post from my previous work. However, they asked me if I could at least stay for one more year. And I gave in. Because I thought it would give me enough time to work out my plans for a longer time. I even considered working abroad for the first time. 

THEN 2020 HAPPENED.

Everything went down the drain. It's like each day, I just get through it, with paranoia lurking behind me all the time. Where my only thought was that me and my loved ones should all live and survive through this. And it's excruciating and tiring. It's like my mind can't think of anything else but that, at all. But I try my best to stay positive at most times, because I can think of alot more other people who had it worse than I do. I still am grateful for the blessings that I receive each day. But when days are dreary, I just also want to weep it all out, like a normal person, only to let go some of my frustrations. 

So there. (Background music: cue "Everglow" by Coldplay)

All I want to say is, I just miss being the me that I was before all of these. I just hope that I will get to meet her again somewhere in the near future. So I can tell her that we made it through and that we've turned into something new, hopefully, into something better. And that we will start making again our own little ways into changing the world for the better.

ILYSB

_f  there'_  one  rea_on

for  me  to  wr_te  a_out  _ove,

_ou  know  _t's  _ou,  r_ght?

Too Close

she was a solitary bird
perched atop her tree,
stretching her neck to see
as the river runs its course;
until it reaches the place 
where they say it meets the sea.

for her it was only a thing of legend,
this collision of the river's rushing waters
and the ocean's crashing waves.
for she had never, not even once,
tried to test her wings,
so she had never been to that majestic place.

but then he came and perched himself
beside her and since then,
she never had a moment's peace.
for he kept on nudging her to take the leap
and see the world beyond her tree.
and finally she did.
that's when she learned how it truly felt like
to be finally free.



 

Oh, oh, something's gonna happen if we get too close, yeah

Oh, I don't know how you do it, but my heart's wide open

I feel my tippy-toes over the edge

And I ain't looking back over my shoulder

Ain't got no parachute but I'm okay

Something's gonna happen if we get too close, yeah

Ocean Eyes

Why is it love,

that every time I look into those eyes,

I lose my breath

and feel like drowning on dry land?

And despite of the fear of the unknown,

you make me want to dive deep

into those ocean eyes

and face the turbulent storms

lurking underneath the surface.

Why does it feel like,

the beginning of you

will be the end of me?

I'm scared

I've never fallen from quite this high
Falling into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

Photo Inspo: Coron, Palawan - June, 2019

I Like Me Better

caught in the moment between

here and forever

today and tomorrow

hello and goodbye

either way it's fine

'cause it's in those "mornights"

where i first met the version of me that i like

the me that i am when i'm with you

midnight into morning coffee
burning through the hours talking...

damn, I like me better when I'm with you

Lifetime

our lines have crossed

a couple of times

always there were sparks

appearing at the point of contact

a flick of a moment,

a fraction of a second,

that if you blink your eyes

you just might miss

this tiny firework show that appears

where our crossed lines kiss

was there a lifetime waiting for us

in a world where i was yours

Music for Cars

she jumped into his car

and never looked back

he said,

"are you sure?

'cause once we do this thing

there's no turning back"

with nervous hands

she buckled her seat belt

and chose a record from his pile

she popped it in the stereo

and when she pressed play

she looked him straight in the eye

and said

"just take me to the place

where stars are made"

We go where nobody knows

with guns hidden under our petticoats 

Invisible String

i am a jumbled mess of letters

a scatterbrain of a person

always losing her keys

or tripping over her feet.

yet somehow,

and no one knows how,

this set of feet managed to

find its way to you.

isn't it just so pretty to think

all along there was some

invisible string tying you to me

Pink Skies

sound of the crashing waves

pink skies hanging above 

sand beneath our feet

you and me 

- with arms entwined -

in the in between

Leap Day 2020 - (Mariveles, Bataan)

Talkin' under pink skies, 

I think our hearts are starting to show
That it's better, you and I, 

under pink skies

Here With Me

there are days when I 

feel like one of those felines

who are reckless enough to take the leap

believing they can always land on their feet

it didn't matter if it's

only the ground that will catch me

or if it will break my fall

or just break my bones

my only regret, if ever there's one

is if i've already used up

most of the nine lives that i have

before i get the chance

to spend it with you

*there it goes again. i was just doing something utterly mundane, when out of the blue, this song played and i suddenly felt this heavy ache deep inside my chest. there was too much sadness it made me wanna weep. the feeling still lingers up to now but it's more bearable. times like this makes me wonder if being an empath is a blessing or a curse.  

Begin Again

as i lay on my bed

i listened to the static sound 

that the blank tape had created

it kept on spinning round and round

dancing as if no one is around

playing a music that silence has drowned

then the button finally clicked

signaling that it reached its peak

there i thought that it was the end

for a soul that could never mend

until i heard the sound of thunder

and its promise of rain

i flipped the tape over 

and when i pressed play, i knew i can begin again

Drops of Jupiter

And I'm back again from my stay on the moon, since my return ticket has been long overdue. So, here we are. It's been quite exhilarating and frightening at the same time. It's been years and yet, it feels like it was just yesterday when I was still writing these things that I have no idea where they were coming from. I may not be that same girl before, who used to lurk behind the clicking sounds of this keyboard, imagining stories with her rose-tinted glasses; but she might still be in there, somewhere, just waiting for the right moment to come out again. It's hard, because so many changes were happening all at once, and yet, they were not the same changes that I was once expecting. Life can really hit you hard at times, and all you can do is get up and keep moving. As of the moment, I'm still feeling lost as to which direction I should take. I know I've got my plans and maps laid out, but somehow, I keep on ending up on places that weren't even drawn or written there. Don't ask me how, I just do. So there. I just hope that once this pandemic's over, my head will finally be clear enough to lead me to the direction that we are supposed to go. Living the adult life is difficult, but appeasing the inner child who refuses to let go makes it more challenging. One thing's for sure though, I won't let go of that inner child as well, because she's the only thing that keeps me from going over the brink of a monotonous and lifeless future. Cheers to us and the inner kids within. May we all live to see the end of this tunnel we are currently in.

Best Part of Me

walking through the city streets
in one of those mindless wanderings
with my phone broke down
leaving me open to the sound
of the city noise
and your imagined voice
calling me home
away from the void
but all i do is roam
far from the sound I've been trying to avoid
    escape
    freedom
    sanity
    clarity
words I can never comprehend
I'm already at my wits' end
my mind only knew of peace
when you are here with me

Celeste and Jesse Forever

I missed my chance

when I had you

took it for granted

with the forever I promised you

I thought I'd never get to see

the sands of time to empty out on me;

and  the sparkle in your eyes when you looked at me,

turn into blank stares and broken dreams

** this movie just broke my heart and now I can't sleep **

Ashram

I was lost

or am still lost

unintentional or not

I haven't figured out

Never thought that I 

would ever return

to this place where I once

spilled out all of my words

I bared my soul

for the world to see

and left nothing to hide

not even my pride

Hoping that each shed of skin

torn and threw to the sea

can carry me on

to the future unknown

** ashram - a step in the journey of life **

Say It With a Heartbeat

You are way too unconventional,
to my life that is way too practical.

You are of the bright neon lights,
while I am of the shadows of the moonlight.

You live on the fast lane,
you would surely drive me insane.

How did you ever find me?

You, a boy,
who could unerringly use his words in a beat.
Me, a girl,
who would rather say them with a heartbeat.

All I wanna do...

all I wanna do is say I love you

Dream, Dream, Dream

If dreams do come true,

why do I always wake up

with these empty arms?

City of Stars

I did my best to keep

memories of us at bay.

Those plans we made

for the future we thought

that will hold us both;

that will keep us within

each other's reach.

I did my best to keep

memories of you at bay.

For every thought

that escapes to the 
conscious part of my mind

brings back the ache,

the pressing urge,

to feel your fingers

entwine with mine -

just like how it used to.

I know it's foolish

of me to think

that what we had,

we will have once more.

For now we have

each of our own worlds

revolving around

their own suns.

But sometimes when I feel 
brave enough to face the pain,
I look at the stars
that we once named as ours,

and let some of these memories

seep through the tiny cracks.

Because it is only when
I reminisce the way we used to be
that I can feel again
what happiness really felt like.

Note To Self From 2016

Dear 2016 Jhun,

First off. How was the road trip?!?!?! I seriously want to know. Were you able to make it? I hope to god you did because if you didn't, I promise I'll swear you off to the deepest darkest ends of the earth. Just kidding. For a moment. :P

So kiddo, how are we? I wonder where you are currently seated right now while you're reading this. Are you still surrounded by the books we've collected all these years? By the same walls that we've painted and written poetry on just a couple of weeks ago? Remember how you felt when you started repainting these walls and your heart just twisted a little bit because you knew that you're letting go of a part of you to the backseat of this ride because you felt that you have to do it to make space for new memories? I remember that after finishing this room and I looked around, it felt like the room became too small because my roots have finally grown too big for this place and they're longing to spread themselves in another place. So what did you do about it? Did you ignore that call or did you listen to it? What were your reasons? 

I wish you had yourself get lost. But not lost in the sense that you didn't know what to do with your life. I'm talking about getting lost in living - in fully experiencing your life not just by surviving it. When you let your own self decide where you want to go without the help of planned maps and  unwarranted advice. It doesn't hurt to listen to them from time to time, but I hope that the choices you've made are the ones that you wanted to do in the first place.

So where are we working now? I'm kinda curious as to where we've finally landed our feet on. Did you miss working in school? The holidays and class suspensions? I hope you didn't turn yourself into a workaholic idiot though. :P

What did we do? Any grand vacations that we had? What are the new things we've tried? Tell me your story. I promise I will be here to listen.

Yours,

2015 Jhun

P.S. Another weird coincidence. Because you wrote this post at home last night where the internet connection's still down (raawr) and was about to post it here in the office and when you opened up Tyler Knott's blog, this was his typewriter for the day. Need anymore signs my dear? :P

***

Dear 2015 Jhun,

I can't believe it's been only a year since I wrote you this letter. After everything that happened, it felt longer. So where do I begin. Ah, I remember. Let's start with our 2015 yearender. We weren't able to join the tour because sadly, they ran out of slots when we were about to reserve. Don't be sad though, because we still managed to have that long needed vacation that we've wanted for a very long time. This time, we went to Baler. It's a camping adventure less the hassle of setting up our own camp and preparing our own food. It's more of a relaxing staycation with the perks of staying in a hotel, but instead of having a room in a high rise building with elegant foyers and fine dining restaurants, we stayed in a tent beside the beach. We were able to catch a wonderful view of the sunrise and caught glimpses of shooting stars falling from the sky. It's one for the books, that I can be sure of. :) 

As for your next question, yes, we're still in the same room that we painted a year ago. Same walls, same texts written on walls, same books and more. And yes, I can still remember how we felt suffocated in this place back then. And now I understand more why you did. Because everything felt too repetitive for us already that's why we felt the urge to move along. And I fear this will be an ongoing trend for us. That we cannot stay put in the same place for long periods of time, except maybe for this place that we call home. I don't know what to make of it, but for now, we're just going with the flow.

Because of this, we finally left our previous work last March. It felt surreal during that time beacuse everyting happened so fast. I know we've decided for months that we would leave by the end of the school year, but when the time came, I still couldn't believe that it was our last day. 

Now to our present work. The funny thing is, it's something (slightly) new. :P We're still working in a school, and it's a different one, but still a school (surprise!surprise!) so we didn't get to miss the holidays and such. Hahaha! But now, we're working in an inclusive school where we work with both typical kids and children with special needs. Let's just say we got carried away by a friend from our previous work that's why we got here. ;) 

Truth be told, this time around it felt more fulfilling even if our pay wasn't that high. It felt more like what we're doing means something more. And I guess this was what was lacking from our previous work. The real purpose. More than just making enough money to get through the day. The work is more tiring but at the end of the day, I appreciate how I spent my time. Don't get mad if I say that we turned into a little bit of a workaholic though. Because I'm telling you, what we're doing is something worth spending all our extra hours on. (I still can't believe how you were able to foresee what we're going to do even if we do not make any concrete plans for ourselves. 0_o)

As for now, I'm preparing for a three-day out-of-town trip for tomorrow. I forgot to tell you, maybe also this is why we felt too confined last year because this year, we're making a lot of trips between our current school and the other branch that we're building in another place. Let's just say it's a school within a nest of very, very old trees, situated in more than an acre wide land. Do you think it's wide enough for us already? ;)

I hoped you were happy with the things we did, because for me, I sure am. :)

Yours,

2016 Jhun

***

Dear 2017 Jhun,

How's life? I hope you're doing fine. Seriously, as of this moment, I can't think of anything to say to you. It's like I'm afraid to ask you, and of what, I don't know too. Blame it on the hormones, I think? 

Okay, just so I can think of something, let's do a round of Chuwariwap. Right now Kodaline's One Day is playing. Somehow this part gave me the goosebummps 

"You've felt this way for far too long

Waiting for a change to come

You know you're not the only one

And life passes you by
Don't be wasting your time
On your own"

Now let's wait for the answer to the reason what's in it for next year...

and it says...

Ten Feet Tall by Afroack 

and I still can't comprehend why.

the next one is...

Beating Heart by Ellie Goulding

as for the last one...

The Sound by The 1975

now this cheered me up just because it's one of my faves

Let's just wait and see how your year will go. ;)

Seriously, even after all of this, I'm starting to get anxious again. It's like the coming year, I'll spend time waiting, for what, I hope you'll know the answer by then, once you read this. I hope you're still listening to your guts my dear. Trust them as much as I did, because as far as I can recall, it has never failed us. Go with the flow. See where life will take us. Believe.

I'll be waiting for your story soon

Yours,

2016 Jhun