Hello there dearest blog. It's been awhile since I last spent time blabbering my thoughts away to you. And now, it's a full moon once again and suddenly it feels like all of my nerve endings are into overdrive and I'm overwhelmed by all of these emotions that I can't quite explain.
So, where should I begin?
2021
The first half of this year is quite a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs, slow beginnings and free fallings; and currently this shuttle is spinning around and around through a maze of surprising twists and turns. If I may tell you the truth, I'm finding it a bit hard to keep up, let alone to just catch my breath for a few moments.
Uncertainty. This is probably the thing that I fear of the most now. Before, uncertainty is something that excites me alot. Don't get me wrong, I still love surprises and unexpected adventures, but maybe not as much as I did when I was younger.
Why?
Well, the only reason that I could think of was maybe because almost everything suddenly changed - drastically - in such a short span of time. It made me lose my balance and now it seems like I'm back to where I began. I find myself testing the ground first before taking the next step, fearing that it might suddenly crumble underneath my feet.
** Commercial break: The weird thing is that this song by Griffin - Nobody Compares to You - played on my speakers and midway through it, my vision suddenly blurred and I realized that I'm actually beginning to tear up over the song. Hahahaha! I know. I'm weird.
Anyway, let's go back to what I was saying.
Where did it all begin? Simple - the pandemic. It did a reset button on my brain and now I see things more differently than I did before. I've become more cautious of my actions because I can't help but think that every small thing or action that I do could somehow greatly affect someone else.
*** NP: Taylor Swift's Death by a Thousand Cuts and Cornelia Street. Seriously, I don't know if my laptop is trying to make me cry my eyes out before I finish this post.
Another thing is my work. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love how I was able to become a part of someone else's life - even for just a short span of time - and was able to make them feel loved and cared for. However, being an empath (yep, I'm one of them), makes it easier and harder at the same time.
Easier, because I can sense the kind of attention that each resident (this is what we call the elderly people that we cater to in our shelter) would need from me. Some of them needs a person who will listen to their stories, others need someone who will tell them stories, and some need someone to just accompany them in complete silence. And honestly, I can shift into each persona quite comfortably.
Harder, because to be able to know what a person needs, you have to put yourself in their shoes. And most of the time, once I do try to put their shoes on, I also get to experience not just their joys and happiness, but their pains and heartaches as well. Imagine doing that for more than one person at a time on a 12 hour duty. I'm telling you, it can get really exhausting that at the end of the day, all I just wanted to do was fall onto my bed and go into a deep sleep and hopefully wake up the next day with a clear state of mind.
Still, I'm grateful for this gift and I wouldn't want to trade it for anything else. It's just that I am still human and I have to admit that it's hard when it turns into something more than I can handle. I know it can be a burden, but it's a burden that I'm willing to take.
Maybe, the only part of my work that I'm still trying to get used to is losing them one by one. It is inevitable, I know. But it still shakes me to the core everytime it happens, eventhough I already knew that it was going to happen soon. And hearing their stories about how they never thought that they would end up in a place like that makes me sad as well. Most of them admitted that they sometimes feel dejected knowing that it is the last place they will ever be because they have nowhere else to go to. And it breaks my heart and makes me scared at the same time; scared because it made me reflect on what my future might look like.
Most of the people who know me well already know that I don't have any plans of getting married or having a family of my own. Like, ever. I'm sure you're wondering why. Even me, I sometimes wonder about myself. Haha! What makes it even weirder though is that I'm a hopeless romantic through and through. Trust me when I say that I'm one of the cheesiest person you'll ever meet. I know, I contradict myself too much but I guess that's me and my Gemini heart talking.
The thing is, I was all set on growing old on my own, with family and friends on the side. It's just that lately I ended up feeling something similar to an empty nest syndrome. When my brother got married, I was still okay because I already got used to the idea of him not being home most of the time. Now it feels like my other siblings will soon be next, off to their own adventures as well. Then, my bestfriend, who has been a constant entity in our house for the past decade, transferred also and started on a new job that is at least a plane ride away from here. I understand that they will still be there when I need them and that what we are doing is part of our growth as individuals. It's just that they're my safety net - they're the ones who usually save me from myself and the nonsensical things that I sometimes end up doing. And now that they're far, I guess that's where my fear of uncertainty comes from. Fear that I might not be able to pick myself up just in case I stumble and fall. That's why I ended up almost rethinking my earlier plan.
But at the end of the day, when I think more about it, I still can't see myself in a lifelong relationship with someone. Please pardon me and my fickle Gemini heart. But I don't think it's a good idea to have the fear of being alone as a motivation to be in a relationship with someone. I know that there are days when I daydream about it, especially after watching some silly romantic movie or reading cheesy books on love and such. But after the high comes down, I still end up with my initial plan. Oh well, maybe it's really just the pandemic that unnerved me. Here's to praying and hoping that once everything becomes "normal" again, my thought processes shall be back to "normal" as well. Haha!
And there is so much we don't know
So we love and we hope that it holds
***P.S. I was looking for a song that would go along with this post when I tried searching for a song that would have the word uncertainty on it. And voila! I chanced upon this one. I just learned of its existence now yet somehow, this song fits so well.
Since I began working in my new workplace, I've become more aware of how fragile life is. One day, you' may be okay and in the next, your life may suddenly be hanging on a thread. With barely just four months in this job, I've already encountered four deaths of people I've just met and come to know. I know it is only natural since we are taking care of the elderly with no homes or relatives who would want to take care of them. Still, it saddens me that these people died without their loved ones around.
Because of this, everyday I have become more grateful of what I have. Even though I am not in want of too many material things, I have more than my fair share of love from family and friends. This pandemic has taught me the importance of appreciating what you have right now; because in the blink of an eye, what you thought will always be there can suddenly be taken away from you without even giving you a chance to fight for it.
Life's fragility scares the heck out of me. Not because I'm scared of not being able to do the things I want to do in the future, but mostly because I'm scared of losing the people who mean so much to me. There was an instance wherein I was having lunch with my family and we were laughing so hard about something, when suddenly, a thought flashed into my head. How long can this kind of happiness last? How many more of these laughing times do I still get to spend with them? Honestly, I teared up when I thought about it but I just pretended that I was crying because of laughing too hard.
Honestly, if we only keep on sharing love around us, the world will truly become a better place. It may sound too much of a cliche, but it is a cliche for a reason. It is because it is true.
Maybe my only wish if, God will permit, is to leave this earth ahead of the people I love. I wouldn't mind leaving early, as long as I won't be the one to get left behind. That is the only part of the future I'm too much of a chicken to face.
a spur of the moment an accidental hello that lit up the spark and thawed a once frozen heart that already forgot how to beat now skipping and dancing in an erratic beat
drop everything now
meet me in the pouring rain
kiss me on the sidewalk
take away the pain
'cause i see sparks fly
whenever you smile
While I was looking through some of the old posts here in my blog, I suddenly realized that it was exactly seven years ago today when I posted one of my stories here. Damn. As I was reading it, I was cringing a little bit here and there, but still laughing at the silliness of the girl that I was before.😂 I gotta admit, that girl was a hopeless romantic down to the core, and in some ways, I kinda miss her.😅
So this story, which I advise you not to read if you don't like stories that are drenched in syrup and sprinkled with sugar, was inspired by the lunacy of my bestfriend and I. It was during our early "Swiftie" days and we were both swooning over the song Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift. So what we did, we used the song as a writing prompt for creating a story about our "dream sparks fly moment". And boy was it ever oh so cheesy. Until now, I'm still trying to figure out where all the mushiness came from.
In case you want to read it, click on this link. Don't blame me though if you end up getting swarmed by ants and bees once you're done with it..😂
It's been years, and now it feels like these characters that I've created inside my head, on that day seven years ago, are calling me once again to finish their story. The only problem is, I'm not sure if I can; after all of the struggles and the heartaches, the priorities and the responsibilities - the growing up that was needed. Now I don't know if I can continue their story knowing that I already gave up those rose-tinted glasses I once wore when I created them. I don't know if I can still give them the happy ending that they deserve. I know I owe it to them, and hopefully in time I could, but probably not yet soon.
It's 2:22 am and surprisingly so, I'm still wide awake. I can't figure out if it's due to sugar and caffeine overdose or something else. (and now the song "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional is currently playing - too early to say goodnight). Considering that it's been a long day and a tiring one as well. That's why I don't understand why my brain is all wired up and my neurons are buzzing around all over the place as if the sun is up and shining. I honestly think I still have the energy to clean the whole house if I wanted to. Damn it. So here I am, staring at my computer screen, just spilling my thoughts out.
So where should I begin?
Well, I'm still trying to put my life back on track. Since the pandemic hit, everything felt like it was all in shambles. To tell you the truth, (now, "Marry Me" by Train is playing) I'm not really good with planning my life. At all. I probably got used to the idea of letting the circumstances decide for me. To let me be carried to where the wind blows. And I thought I was already content with that. But sometime last year, I realized that I'm not getting any younger and so I probably should start learning how to steer the wheel on my own. So what I did, I tried to resign from my post from my previous work. However, they asked me if I could at least stay for one more year. And I gave in. Because I thought it would give me enough time to work out my plans for a longer time. I even considered working abroad for the first time.
THEN 2020 HAPPENED.
Everything went down the drain. It's like each day, I just get through it, with paranoia lurking behind me all the time. Where my only thought was that me and my loved ones should all live and survive through this. And it's excruciating and tiring. It's like my mind can't think of anything else but that, at all. But I try my best to stay positive at most times, because I can think of alot more other people who had it worse than I do. I still am grateful for the blessings that I receive each day. But when days are dreary, I just also want to weep it all out, like a normal person, only to let go some of my frustrations.
So there. (Background music: cue "Everglow" by Coldplay)
All I want to say is, I just miss being the me that I was before all of these. I just hope that I will get to meet her again somewhere in the near future. So I can tell her that we made it through and that we've turned into something new, hopefully, into something better. And that we will start making again our own little ways into changing the world for the better.
she was a solitary bird perched atop her tree, stretching her neck to see as the river runs its course; until it reaches the place where they say it meets the sea.
for her it was only a thing of legend, this collision of the river's rushing waters and the ocean's crashing waves. for she had never, not even once, tried to test her wings, so she had never been to that majestic place.
but then he came and perched himself beside her and since then, she never had a moment's peace. for he kept on nudging her to take the leap and see the world beyond her tree. and finally she did. that's when she learned how it truly felt like to be finally free.
Oh, oh, something's gonna happen if we get too close, yeah
Oh, I don't know how you do it, but my heart's wide open
I feel my tippy-toes over the edge
And I ain't looking back over my shoulder
Ain't got no parachute but I'm okay
Something's gonna happen if we get too close, yeah
walking through the city streets in one of those mindless wanderings with my phone broke down leaving me open to the sound of the city noise and your imagined voice calling me home away from the void but all i do is roam far from the sound I've been trying to avoid escape freedom sanity clarity words I can never comprehend I'm already at my wits' end my mind only knew of peace when you are here with me
There are so many things that I want to say to you, yet it seems like I can't find the right words to use and sometimes, the ones that I manage to find felt like they weren't enough so I'd rather just keep my mouth shut. I'd really want to use my words, love if only I knew how to speak them, or even just knew which ones to choose. But for now, will you be patient enough with me to just lend me yours even just for a little while?
***Hello there everyone! It's me Rhio taking over just for today to post this speech that Jhun made for me. Hope you are all having a wonderful Easter day! Oh and Happy Full Moon day too! And if you want to read what I wrote for Jhun, please click on the link. ;) Hi there everyone. Truthfully, I don't have any idea how to make speeches, more importantly, a wedding speech. So I hope I wouldn't say anything inappropriate here.;)
Anyway, to start off, let me congratulate first the newly weds who, after years and years of searching and plotting on maps, finally found each other. Kudos to you guys.
So first off - to the groom. Congratulations and I wish you all the luck and the patience in the world. I hope you know what you've gotten yourself into because when she became my friend, I didn't have a choice. So from here onward, she's basically your responsibility. She may be quite a handful (oh don't I just know it), but I'm pretty sure you're up to it. Trust me when I say that she can make you crazy at times - well, make that most of the time - but trust me also when I say that it'll all be worth it. She may seem like a fragile little thing that always needs to be protected but truth be told, you can trust her with your life because she'll do her best to protect it even if she has to sacrifice hers along the way. Don't be afraid of sharing with her your burdens because with a heart as big as hers, she can handle it. Whenever you face trials as husband and wife, there's no need for you to shelter her behind your back. Just hold her hand and keep her beside you and she will bravely face them with you. So just a simple reminder: Don't expect her to be the nagger-kind-of-wife. I assure you, she won't ask for much. She won't need for you to be anything, to be the courageous Superman or the filthy rich intellectual Batman or even the quite temperamental Hulk. All she'll ever need from you is for you to be you. A couple of surprises here and there wouldn't hurt though, like a trip across Europe or even a Caribbean cruise would probably suffice. Just kidding. A bit. But basically yeah, just be yourself. Always remember that it's you whom she fell in love with and not the material stuff that you could give her. Trust me on this. On Girl Scouts' honor. :)
To the bride. To the sister of my heart. :) What more can I say? After all the silly phases we've been through, you finally found the one who'll never let go of your hand no matter how many times you trip over your own feet. You don't know how relieved I am for finally, I can wash my hands of you.:P Kidding aside, this is just the beginning though. More is yet to come, but I know that you can make it through no matter what. Especially now that you have someone you can wholly share yourself with. I can easily see you bravely shouting out to the void "Bring it on!" while you are holding on to him. And it makes me glad. Don't batter yourself too much though about the things you don't know about yet. You'll learn them along the way. But the most important part is that you learn them together. Don't rush yourself into things. You'll get there in time. Enjoy each step you take with each other because you can never take the same step twice. Cherish it. Live it. Savor it. Because once you get yourselves a bunch of runts along the way, you'll need something to remind you why the hell you wanted this anyway. Just kidding. Again. Sorry for that.:P But there's some truth in it, ayt? Always remind yourselves that the reason you are where you are right now, and that is beside each other, is because you wanted to, because you love each other. Not because you had to, just for the sake of staying together. From now on, you should stop thinking as two separate people with different paths because now, you are a single unit. You are "husband and wife", not "a husband" and "a wife". Someday soon, this "husband and wife" unit will turn into a "mother and father" unit. And I'm sure, you will do just fine. In fact, you will be more than just fine. You will be wickedly awesome.
So cheers to the newly weds.
And to the first runt that will come along the way. Probably in about 9 months time, maybe? ;)
The wind is howling outside. Lock the doors, close the shutters, light the candles, let the wrath of the storm pass us by. These frozen sheets are never enough to ward off the cold. Take my hand as it reaches for yours and just lay here beside me. Hold me close with the heat of your body sending shivers across my back. Let me lay my head in your arms as I press my lips on them, while yours travel across the back of my neck. I'll hold your hand as it lay softly against my stomach, like an achor that keeps the nightmares at bay. Lend me your warmth and I'll share you mine. Only say you'll stay, even just for tonight.
Don't you see me now? I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you, Don't you need me? I, I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you, And on this night and in this light, I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you Maybe you'll change your mind I think I'm falling, I think I'm falling
Oh, hold me close as I Breathe in, breathe out Breathe in, breathe out I'm on the edge Just take me now And if you're gonna push me Then promise you'll break my fall
