Cheers to another peaceful night here at work where everyone is sound asleep, except for me, obviously; and Taylor Swift is currently playing in the background (How You Get the Girl).
This will just be another one of my posts wherein I'm blabbering to myself. :)
I started reading books again lately, which I was not able to do as much as I wanted to in the last couple of years. And it made me glad. Books have always been my respite whenever the outside world gets too busy or loud for my taste. Weirdly though during the pandemic, I haven't been able to read a lot of books. Maybe because I've been too anxious and it seemed like I can't keep my mind still enough to focus on the words that I was reading.
Luckily now, after dragging myself through the first couple of pages and I relearned how to focus again, I'm finally back with my first love. Books. Stories. Words. It felt like home - a safe space to keep my heart and mind still. The funny thing is once I get back into it, I ended up spending most of my free time reading - and sniffing the pages of the books. I've been rereading most of my YA books in between the new ones that I'm currently exploring - memoirs, contemporary fiction and such. And god it feels good. I guess I just miss how each story makes me feel. Don't I just love torturing myself by going back to the books that showed me how it must feel like to fall in love, the heartbreak from a loss, or the joys found in the company of kindred souls.
Maybe that is the reason why I love books. Because aside from the story itself, I end up wondering about the people who wrote them as well. I wonder what or who inspired them to write that story. I sometimes hurt my brain by thinking too much about these things. Maybe that is the reason why I find myself scared to try some of the things that I read about no matter how good it might be. Because through the stories, I also felt how it must feel like to lose something that good. Even though it was imaginary for some, the emotions I felt were all too real for me. Some might even say that it was just a small part of the real thing and I'll be missing a lot if I skipped on it. But it being just a "sample" of the real thing is what probably scares me the most. Because if what I end up feeling from reading the book is in reality just half of the real thing, I'm not sure if I would be able to take it. (Thank you Adele for singing Make You Feel My Love while I'm writing this specific part. haha)
I guess this answers some of the questions that I have about myself. Cheers to the next few more that might come my way. :)
P.S. Just had another realization while I was rereading and watching the movie/TV series adaptation of the YA books that I've read. It's something that my bestfriend also noticed. haha
1. In the series Summer I Turned Pretty - we can now relate more with the moms (Susannah and Laurel), specially their lifelong friendship, than with the 16 y/o protagonist (Belly).
2. While reading Eleanor and Park, I noticed that I also use the same perfume that Park's mom uses (Imari from Avon).
3. In the book The Truth About Forever, I find myself relating easily to Delia (Wes's aunt/guardian) and her Yoda thoughts. :)
Hello there dearest blog. It's been awhile since I last spent time blabbering my thoughts away to you. And now, it's a full moon once again and suddenly it feels like all of my nerve endings are into overdrive and I'm overwhelmed by all of these emotions that I can't quite explain.
So, where should I begin?
2021
The first half of this year is quite a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs, slow beginnings and free fallings; and currently this shuttle is spinning around and around through a maze of surprising twists and turns. If I may tell you the truth, I'm finding it a bit hard to keep up, let alone to just catch my breath for a few moments.
Uncertainty. This is probably the thing that I fear of the most now. Before, uncertainty is something that excites me alot. Don't get me wrong, I still love surprises and unexpected adventures, but maybe not as much as I did when I was younger.
Why?
Well, the only reason that I could think of was maybe because almost everything suddenly changed - drastically - in such a short span of time. It made me lose my balance and now it seems like I'm back to where I began. I find myself testing the ground first before taking the next step, fearing that it might suddenly crumble underneath my feet.
** Commercial break: The weird thing is that this song by Griffin - Nobody Compares to You - played on my speakers and midway through it, my vision suddenly blurred and I realized that I'm actually beginning to tear up over the song. Hahahaha! I know. I'm weird.
Anyway, let's go back to what I was saying.
Where did it all begin? Simple - the pandemic. It did a reset button on my brain and now I see things more differently than I did before. I've become more cautious of my actions because I can't help but think that every small thing or action that I do could somehow greatly affect someone else.
*** NP: Taylor Swift's Death by a Thousand Cuts and Cornelia Street. Seriously, I don't know if my laptop is trying to make me cry my eyes out before I finish this post.
Another thing is my work. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love how I was able to become a part of someone else's life - even for just a short span of time - and was able to make them feel loved and cared for. However, being an empath (yep, I'm one of them), makes it easier and harder at the same time.
Easier, because I can sense the kind of attention that each resident (this is what we call the elderly people that we cater to in our shelter) would need from me. Some of them needs a person who will listen to their stories, others need someone who will tell them stories, and some need someone to just accompany them in complete silence. And honestly, I can shift into each persona quite comfortably.
Harder, because to be able to know what a person needs, you have to put yourself in their shoes. And most of the time, once I do try to put their shoes on, I also get to experience not just their joys and happiness, but their pains and heartaches as well. Imagine doing that for more than one person at a time on a 12 hour duty. I'm telling you, it can get really exhausting that at the end of the day, all I just wanted to do was fall onto my bed and go into a deep sleep and hopefully wake up the next day with a clear state of mind.
Still, I'm grateful for this gift and I wouldn't want to trade it for anything else. It's just that I am still human and I have to admit that it's hard when it turns into something more than I can handle. I know it can be a burden, but it's a burden that I'm willing to take.
Maybe, the only part of my work that I'm still trying to get used to is losing them one by one. It is inevitable, I know. But it still shakes me to the core everytime it happens, eventhough I already knew that it was going to happen soon. And hearing their stories about how they never thought that they would end up in a place like that makes me sad as well. Most of them admitted that they sometimes feel dejected knowing that it is the last place they will ever be because they have nowhere else to go to. And it breaks my heart and makes me scared at the same time; scared because it made me reflect on what my future might look like.
Most of the people who know me well already know that I don't have any plans of getting married or having a family of my own. Like, ever. I'm sure you're wondering why. Even me, I sometimes wonder about myself. Haha! What makes it even weirder though is that I'm a hopeless romantic through and through. Trust me when I say that I'm one of the cheesiest person you'll ever meet. I know, I contradict myself too much but I guess that's me and my Gemini heart talking.
The thing is, I was all set on growing old on my own, with family and friends on the side. It's just that lately I ended up feeling something similar to an empty nest syndrome. When my brother got married, I was still okay because I already got used to the idea of him not being home most of the time. Now it feels like my other siblings will soon be next, off to their own adventures as well. Then, my bestfriend, who has been a constant entity in our house for the past decade, transferred also and started on a new job that is at least a plane ride away from here. I understand that they will still be there when I need them and that what we are doing is part of our growth as individuals. It's just that they're my safety net - they're the ones who usually save me from myself and the nonsensical things that I sometimes end up doing. And now that they're far, I guess that's where my fear of uncertainty comes from. Fear that I might not be able to pick myself up just in case I stumble and fall. That's why I ended up almost rethinking my earlier plan.
But at the end of the day, when I think more about it, I still can't see myself in a lifelong relationship with someone. Please pardon me and my fickle Gemini heart. But I don't think it's a good idea to have the fear of being alone as a motivation to be in a relationship with someone. I know that there are days when I daydream about it, especially after watching some silly romantic movie or reading cheesy books on love and such. But after the high comes down, I still end up with my initial plan. Oh well, maybe it's really just the pandemic that unnerved me. Here's to praying and hoping that once everything becomes "normal" again, my thought processes shall be back to "normal" as well. Haha!
And there is so much we don't know
So we love and we hope that it holds
***P.S. I was looking for a song that would go along with this post when I tried searching for a song that would have the word uncertainty on it. And voila! I chanced upon this one. I just learned of its existence now yet somehow, this song fits so well.
a spur of the moment an accidental hello that lit up the spark and thawed a once frozen heart that already forgot how to beat now skipping and dancing in an erratic beat
drop everything now
meet me in the pouring rain
kiss me on the sidewalk
take away the pain
'cause i see sparks fly
whenever you smile
While I was looking through some of the old posts here in my blog, I suddenly realized that it was exactly seven years ago today when I posted one of my stories here. Damn. As I was reading it, I was cringing a little bit here and there, but still laughing at the silliness of the girl that I was before.😂 I gotta admit, that girl was a hopeless romantic down to the core, and in some ways, I kinda miss her.😅
So this story, which I advise you not to read if you don't like stories that are drenched in syrup and sprinkled with sugar, was inspired by the lunacy of my bestfriend and I. It was during our early "Swiftie" days and we were both swooning over the song Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift. So what we did, we used the song as a writing prompt for creating a story about our "dream sparks fly moment". And boy was it ever oh so cheesy. Until now, I'm still trying to figure out where all the mushiness came from.
In case you want to read it, click on this link. Don't blame me though if you end up getting swarmed by ants and bees once you're done with it..😂
It's been years, and now it feels like these characters that I've created inside my head, on that day seven years ago, are calling me once again to finish their story. The only problem is, I'm not sure if I can; after all of the struggles and the heartaches, the priorities and the responsibilities - the growing up that was needed. Now I don't know if I can continue their story knowing that I already gave up those rose-tinted glasses I once wore when I created them. I don't know if I can still give them the happy ending that they deserve. I know I owe it to them, and hopefully in time I could, but probably not yet soon.
This is going to be one of my "short" blabberings so please just humor me. This wasn't even my planned post. I'll just probably post the other one tomorrow or later if I get to finish it.
Anyway. Let's go back to this one.
So just recently, I wrote a post titled "Yellow" and it was about a dream that I had last April. (Kindly see the aforementioned post so you can understand it better.) Maybe it's the reason why for months now, my mind's been fascinated too much with thoughts of multiverse; wherein a version of us exists in another reality and our dreams are not just made-up stories of our brain. Instead, they are our own memories, but from a different reality. And when we dream, we get to take a peek into these other worlds the we exist in. It's the reason why until now, I still couldn't let go of the memory of that dream. Because it felt really different from all the usual ones that I had before. Trust me, I dream a lot. Now, everytime I hear the song Yellow by Coldplay, I usually end up thinking about that dream.
Now let's move forward to the present. About more than a week ago, I ordered books from an online sale. Weirdly enough, I took a risk by picking the books not because of their storyline, but just because of the title. (I sure do know how to live dangerously - nerd). So when they arrived, I was quite surprised to see that one of the books has the same premise as to what I've been thinking about lately. It's about dreams and alternate realities. In case you're interested, the book is "Traveler" by L.E. DeLano and if you're planning to read it then, you better stop reading this blog post now because from here onward, it will be full of spoilers. Consider yourself warned.
Let's continue.
In the book, Jessa is a writer. She thought she only had a colorful imagination and that's why she has a lot of good ideas for writing. Then, she started dreaming about this guy and she was caught by surprise when one day, the guy from her dream, who is named Finn, suddenly appeared. He was the one who informed her that he and Jessa are both "Travelers", that they can travel across different realities. They exist in most realities, and that's who they exchange with when they travel. But there are also realities wherein a version of them do not exist. That's the case with Finn. He came from another reality and he does not a have a version of him that he can exchange with in this one. It's quite complicated. Anyway, the reason why he traveled was to warn Jessa that in other realities, versions of her were being killed one by one. So Finn is trying to figure out the reason why because somehow, he was indirectly related to the deaths of the other Jessas. I still haven't finished the book though so let's see what will happen.
The reason why I wrote this post is because I reached the part of the book where Jessa asked Finn about the version of her in his own reality. She figured out already that that Jessa died. Finn told her what happened and Jessa knows that he was just trying to put on a brave face as he kept on saying that he was okay because he knows that he will see her again in another reality. But she knows that he was still hurting from losing the version of her in his own reality. Then, I reached this part of their conversation:
"I'm sorry Finn,"
"It's not your fault", he says
"I know. But I'm still sorry it happened to you. I wish it hadn't." I feel a lump growing in my throat at the thought of what he's had to live through. "I'm sorry I left you there alone."
When I read that line, I had to stop. It gave me goosebumps because they mirrored exactly my own thoughts about the person I left behind in my dream. Call me crazy or whatever but for me, I can still remember how real the pain felt like. If you already lost someone who matters a lot to you, I'm sure you know how that feels.
So there. That's it. Just wanted to share some of the weird coincidences that come my way. I'm still not sure if the universe is sending me a sign or what. One thing's for sure though, I can't wait to see how the story unfolds. :)
It's 2:22 am and surprisingly so, I'm still wide awake. I can't figure out if it's due to sugar and caffeine overdose or something else. (and now the song "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional is currently playing - too early to say goodnight). Considering that it's been a long day and a tiring one as well. That's why I don't understand why my brain is all wired up and my neurons are buzzing around all over the place as if the sun is up and shining. I honestly think I still have the energy to clean the whole house if I wanted to. Damn it. So here I am, staring at my computer screen, just spilling my thoughts out.
So where should I begin?
Well, I'm still trying to put my life back on track. Since the pandemic hit, everything felt like it was all in shambles. To tell you the truth, (now, "Marry Me" by Train is playing) I'm not really good with planning my life. At all. I probably got used to the idea of letting the circumstances decide for me. To let me be carried to where the wind blows. And I thought I was already content with that. But sometime last year, I realized that I'm not getting any younger and so I probably should start learning how to steer the wheel on my own. So what I did, I tried to resign from my post from my previous work. However, they asked me if I could at least stay for one more year. And I gave in. Because I thought it would give me enough time to work out my plans for a longer time. I even considered working abroad for the first time.
THEN 2020 HAPPENED.
Everything went down the drain. It's like each day, I just get through it, with paranoia lurking behind me all the time. Where my only thought was that me and my loved ones should all live and survive through this. And it's excruciating and tiring. It's like my mind can't think of anything else but that, at all. But I try my best to stay positive at most times, because I can think of alot more other people who had it worse than I do. I still am grateful for the blessings that I receive each day. But when days are dreary, I just also want to weep it all out, like a normal person, only to let go some of my frustrations.
So there. (Background music: cue "Everglow" by Coldplay)
All I want to say is, I just miss being the me that I was before all of these. I just hope that I will get to meet her again somewhere in the near future. So I can tell her that we made it through and that we've turned into something new, hopefully, into something better. And that we will start making again our own little ways into changing the world for the better.
I first met Pigasus when I found a copy of John Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men" from a second hand bookstore that I usually visit. As I opened the cover, I noticed a small drawing underneath the first page and, was intrigued to see a picture of a pig with wings, with an inscription underneath, "Ad astra per alia porci". It was then that I learned that Steinbeck used Pigasus as his personal stamp and that the inscription meant "To the stars on the wings of a pig." For him it meant that one should never stop to aspire to be on top no matter how lowly he might think he is. I admire his philosophy, though I have my own take about the flying pig.
From the first moment I saw Pigasus, I decided to "borrow" it as a symboI of my own philosophy in life. And that is to aspire to be good, to be better, without "flying too high" and forgetting where your feet took off from the ground. And mostly, to be content and happy with what you have right now no matter how humble it might be. I remember back then when I was still in school, I was an ambitious kid with lots of plans for the future. But when things started to get rough and I've crossed too many roads, I found myself driving farther and farther from the path I planned and I started to feel depressed and angry because everything was going wrong.
Then something happened (which I'll share some other time ;)), and I started to see things from a different perspective. I realized that there's alot of reason to be happy for, to be content with, if only I'd refrain from always looking forward to the future without noticing the good things happening to me right here in the present. I still have some goals but I actually stopped from making step-by-step plans on how to achieve it. I'm pretty sure some might think that this is just a lazy mind's way of rationalizing things but what can I say, you can't please everybody.
