New Love

It isn't new
this feeling I feel
everytime my mind
wanders to you.
Eventhough
I know for sure that
this is the first time
I felt it in this lifetime.
All those times spent
on the brink of falling
into those mornights.
Maybe it's true 
that I have met you 
in another lifetime,
that's why it feels like
something as old as time.
It may sound like a cliché,
I know,
but there's a reason
why it's a cliché at all.
Because it is true.
Because it is real.
Because it is you.

On Poets and Muses

I write about You
not knowing if You'd even know
that it is about You

I write to You
not knowing if You'd even
get the chance to read it
and know that it is for You

All I know is that when I write 
about love 
about hope
about pain
about tomorrow
They all mean You

Maybe that is the curse
of the poet and their muse,
like an astronomer to his stars,
maybe we were only meant
to admire You
from a distance

Phantom Limb

it's been a while
and i thought 

that the open wound
you left behind 

was already healed
every day is 

just another day
until i feel again 

the ache from that void 

in my heart
that you used to fill

Cardigan

I turned the sound up

letting the music float

finding its way towards me

as I lay on my bed

staring at the ceiling

picturing the shape of your face

imagining the crinkles on your eyes

no other line on any song

could be more truer than -

"I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs"

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss

I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs

The smell of smoke would hang around this long

'Cause I knew everything when I was young

I knew I'd curse you for the longest time

Chasin' shadows in the grocery line

I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired

And you'd be standin' in my front porch light

And I knew you'd come back to me

Smother Me

I've always learned

to be content

with whatever 

comes my way.

To never ask for more

than I already have

because not everyone

has the same privileges

that I've had.

Yet with you,

there could never

be enough.

Call me greedy, if you must.

Because even if 

you are way more than

what this heart

could ever hold

still, 

I keep on 

wanting for more.

Now I can breathe
Turn my insides out and smother me
Warm and alive, I'm all over you
Would you smother me?

Coincidence or Just Plain Craziness?

This is  going to be one of my "short" blabberings so please just humor me. This wasn't even my planned post. I'll just probably post the other one  tomorrow or later if I get to finish it.

Anyway. Let's go back to this one.

So just recently, I wrote a post titled "Yellow" and it was about a dream that I had last April. (Kindly see the aforementioned post so you can understand it better.) Maybe it's the reason why for months now, my mind's been fascinated too much with thoughts of multiverse; wherein a version of us exists in another reality and our dreams are not just made-up stories of our brain. Instead, they are our own memories, but from a different reality. And when we dream, we get to take a peek into these other worlds the we exist in. It's the reason why until now, I still couldn't let go of the memory of that dream. Because it felt really different from all the usual ones that I had before. Trust me, I dream a lot. Now, everytime I hear the song Yellow by Coldplay, I usually end up thinking about that dream.

Now let's move forward to the present. About more than a week ago, I ordered books from an online sale. Weirdly enough, I took a risk by picking the books not because of their storyline, but just because of the title. (I sure do know how to live dangerously - nerd). So when they arrived, I was quite surprised to see that one of the books has the same premise as to what I've been thinking about lately. It's about dreams and alternate realities. In case you're interested, the book is "Traveler" by L.E. DeLano and if you're planning to read it then, you better stop reading this blog post now because from here onward, it will be full of spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

Let's continue. 

In the book, Jessa is a writer. She thought she only had a colorful imagination and that's why she has a lot of good ideas for writing. Then, she started dreaming about this guy and she was caught by surprise when one day, the guy from her dream, who is named Finn, suddenly appeared. He was the one who informed her that he and Jessa are both "Travelers", that they can travel across different realities. They exist in most realities, and that's who they exchange with when they travel. But there are also realities wherein a version of them do not exist. That's the case with Finn. He came from another reality and he does not a have a version of him that he can exchange with in this one. It's quite complicated. Anyway, the reason why he traveled was to warn Jessa that in other realities, versions of her were being killed one by one. So Finn is trying to figure out the reason why because somehow, he was indirectly related to the deaths of the other Jessas. I still haven't finished the book though so let's see what will happen. 

The reason why I wrote this post is because I reached the part of the book where Jessa asked Finn about the version of her in his own reality. She figured out already that that Jessa died. Finn told her what happened and Jessa knows that he was just trying to put on a brave face as he kept on saying that he was okay because he knows that he will see her again in another reality. But she knows that he was still hurting from losing the version of her in his own reality. Then, I reached this part of their conversation:

"I'm sorry Finn,"

"It's not your fault", he says

"I know. But I'm still sorry it happened to you. I wish it hadn't." I feel a lump growing in my throat at the thought of what he's had to live through. "I'm sorry I left you there alone."

When I read that line, I had to stop. It gave me goosebumps because they mirrored exactly my own thoughts about the person I left behind in my dream. Call me crazy or whatever but for me, I can still remember how real the pain felt like. If you already lost someone who matters a lot to you, I'm sure you know how that feels. 

So there. That's it. Just wanted to share some of the weird coincidences that come my way. I'm still not sure if the universe is sending me a sign or what. One thing's for sure though, I can't wait to see how the story unfolds. :)

Yellow

i met you in a dream

in the middle of your grief.

i can't remember your face,

but i can remember your pain.

the sound of your weeping

still lingers in my memory.

all i wanted to say is,

i'm sorry if i woke up

and left you behind with your tears.

*** Sooooooooo. Here's the story. I had this weird dream around six months ago. It was quite different from the ones I've had before, because this one didn't feel like a dream at all. Usually, I can differentiate dream from reality once I wake up, yet with this one, it felt all too real.

The dream went like this. I was with this person and  it seemed like it was more than a day. We've been to places and it was all good. Then, the setting changed and suddenly we were in a room. This person was trying so hard to hold on to his emotion because he just lost someone. Someone that I also met and knew in my dream. But when I approached him and told him that it's okay to let it all out, he held on to me and that's when the dam broke. God, I can still remember how his howl sounded like and just by thinking about it, I can still feel this tight clench around my chest. Damn it. Now I wanna cry again. Anyway. So another shift in the setting. We were walking around at night and we found ourselves in a familiar part of the city. It's a street with tall buildings and the street was dark. Then, we reached a building with a lighted room that can be seen from the outside. When I took a peek, I saw that inside it was painted dark blue and was only illuminated by the glow of fairy lights. It looked like the sky at night. I showed it to him and I remember telling him "Look at the lights. They look like stars. Remember how much she loved the stars?" (hence the title of the post). And that's how we ended up crying all over again on the sidewalk. That was the last thing I remembered before I woke up and I realized that I was crying and sobbing for real.

Most of you are probably thinking right now that I'm just making too much out of it. That it was just a dream. I don't know. But the thing is, it left me a nagging feeling that this person is known to me. Probably not in this world, but in another reality. I just feel really bad for leaving this person behind when I woke up from my dream. I hope everything is well and will be better.

Begin Again

as i lay on my bed

i listened to the static sound 

that the blank tape had created

it kept on spinning round and round

dancing as if no one is around

playing a music that silence has drowned

then the button finally clicked

signaling that it reached its peak

there i thought that it was the end

for a soul that could never mend

until i heard the sound of thunder

and its promise of rain

i flipped the tape over 

and when i pressed play, i knew i can begin again

Best Part of Me

walking through the city streets
in one of those mindless wanderings
with my phone broke down
leaving me open to the sound
of the city noise
and your imagined voice
calling me home
away from the void
but all i do is roam
far from the sound I've been trying to avoid
    escape
    freedom
    sanity
    clarity
words I can never comprehend
I'm already at my wits' end
my mind only knew of peace
when you are here with me

Kaleidoscope World

The world keeps on 

spinning around in this

hodgepodge of colors,
leaving me breathless
and trying hard to keep up.
But in all of these confusion,

the only thing that

remains constant is you.

I see you everywhere.

In each turn I make,

I see a vision of you

standing right in front of me.

I reach out,

hoping that once your
hand closes in on mine,

this spinning world would
finally slow down,
and at last, I could catch my breath.

source

Fallingforyou

I was not afraid to fall,

because I always thought

I never could, never would;

not then, not now, not ever.

So I kept on climbing

up and up and up,

without bothering to look down.

I kept my eyes on 

the moon, the stars and the sky,

thinking it was the 

most beautiful sight.

Then I heard 

someone call my name

and when I looked down, 

that's when I saw that 

the view below is even better,

because I saw you standing there

with arms open wide.

source

*****

Don't you see me now?
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you,
Don't you need me?
I, I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you,
And on this night and in this light,
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you
Maybe you'll change your mind
I think I'm falling, I think I'm falling

Boom Clap

Gloomy days are always up ahead.

It's possible that I might get 

drenched in the rain along the way.

Gotta keep my head above the water then,

if it's all I can do til I see you.

You are the light and I will follow
You let me lose my shadow
You are the sun, the glowing halo
And you keep burning me up with all your love

Abyss

Let the shadows take me in
and return to your womb once more.
Let me find the peace that
only you could give this
restless soul.
Seal away the light
that gives me foolish
hopes and dreams.
Just bring me back to the 
comfort of your shadows once more.

Kiss the Rain

Rain is pouring down.

My heart's racing with each drop.

Please - just make it still.

source

Someone To Watch Over Me

If only I could bury my face
on the crook of your neck
and feel the light scratch
of your stubble on my cheek,
as you chase away the fears in my heart and
the nightmares out of my dreams.
As you empty it of everything until
there is nothing else left in it,
only You.

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see
I hope that he, turns out to be

Someone who'll watch over me...

Just Kids

"I was never going to become anything but myself, that I was of the clan Peter Pan and we did not grow up." ~ Patti Smith, Just Kids

For a day 

we get to be kids again,

without a care 

if we get drenched in the rain;

while walking through these streets

as the skylines tower over us.

Aimlessly wandering,

looking for the next adventure

in every corner.

Just like how we used to do

back when we were young.

It's probably one of the 

awesome-est things in my life,

to have you as my big brother.

I feel so lucky, because 

no matter how much time flies,

I'll always be the kid sister

tagging along by your side.

source

Keeper

You don't have
to ask for it.
It has always 
been yours
since the beginning.
If the time comes
that you don't
want it anymore,
please hand all
the pieces back
and I will keep 
it in a safe for you,
just in case you
change your mind.

Growing Up Pains

"Second star to the right and straight on till morning." - Peter Pan

I went to sleep last night
searching for the
second star to the right.
And to my great surprise,
a shadow came in to
help me in this 
quest of mine.
It sprinkled me with dust
and told me to believe
that we could fly.
Believe - that's what it said.
So I jumped through 
the ledge and into
the dark and still night sky;
and together we flew
straight to the second
star to the right.
As we came near, 
the brightness blinded me
and forced my eyes to shut.
And as I opened it up, 
morning arrived and
here I am once more 
locked inside this dingy room,
with a desk filled with
stacks of papers,
piling up high.

source

Crave

It was you 
who first lit up
this craving that
I've never known before.
Now I find 
myself craving
for something I've 
never felt
nor tasted,
nor touched;
And yet, just by
thinking of it makes 
me want more.
Now I know, 
that you're
the only addiction 
that I can 
never unlearn.

A Mad Tea Party

It's hard to believe 
that something as 
good as this
is for real.
Am I really awake
or is this just a dream.
Now I find myself 
wondering if everything
I think is real,
really real
or, 
if I just finally, 
unknowingly stumbled and fell
through the rabbit hole;
and crossed the 
the brink of 
real madness.
If that's how it is,
then heavens please,
hear my plea.
Let me not be sane again.

source

***it's quite amusing that as I was about to finish writing this one, this song suddenly played next on my playlist. seriously universe, are you trying to say something? O_o

"I Want Crazy"

by Hunter Hayes

Mmmmm...

I'm booking myself a one-way flight
I gotta see the color in your eyes
Yeah tellin' myself I'm gonna be alright
Without you baby is a waste of time

Yeah, our first date, girl, the seasons changed
It got washed away in a summer rain
You can't undo a fall like this
'Cause love don't know what distance is
Yeah, I know it's crazy

But I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy
Are you with me baby? Let's be crazy

Yeah

I wanna be scared, don't wanna know why
Wanna feel good, don't have to be right
The world makes all kinds of rules for love
I say you gotta let it do what it does

I don't want just another hug and a kiss goodnight
Catchin' up calls and a date sometimes
I love that we're rebels, and we still believe
We're the kind of crazy people wish that they could be, yeah

Oh, and I know we're crazy, yeah

But I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy
You with me baby? Let's be crazy

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

No, I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn't make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you're all I think about,
I've searched the world and I know now,
It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
Yeah, I don't want easy, I want crazy

Yeah, look at us baby, tonight the midnight rules are breaking
There's no such thing as wild enough,
And maybe we just think too much
Who needs to play it safe in love?
Let's be crazy!

Na na na na oh na na na na oh

Who cares if we're crazy? We gotta be crazy!
I know that we're crazy, so let's be crazy!
Yeah-ah-ah...