Lost at Sea

as another year closes

another one begins

life truly is 

a cycle of 

endings and beginnings,

ups and downs

like the unpredictable

ebb and flow of the sea

but it's the in between

that matters the most

because it is where

i found myself

and it is also where

i found you

Sky Full of Stars

you are a good one
a memory to look back to
when days seem darker, somber

you are a good one

like pinpricks of light

scattered across the dark sky

even if each second that passes by
from that moment we said goodbye
drags me deeper into the abyss

in the hopes that maybe
when i hit the bottom of the pit
all that's left  for me to do
is to go up again

Cardigan

I turned the sound up

letting the music float

finding its way towards me

as I lay on my bed

staring at the ceiling

picturing the shape of your face

imagining the crinkles on your eyes

no other line on any song

could be more truer than -

"I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs"

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss

I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs

The smell of smoke would hang around this long

'Cause I knew everything when I was young

I knew I'd curse you for the longest time

Chasin' shadows in the grocery line

I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired

And you'd be standin' in my front porch light

And I knew you'd come back to me

In The Next Lifetime

almost

may seem melancholic

leaving behind a trail

of hopelessness

and crumbs of regret

almost

sometimes it's all 

we could ever have

the best that 

we could hope for

but if given a chance

almost 

can be quite as a good as

we made it

for it's the journey

of almost making it there

with you

that had them rooting for us

Be Your Light

Anticipating

Light at the end of the tunnel

Dragging one foot over the other

Shadow cast over the light

Tripped over own two feet

Crashed into you

Sparks turning into burning embers

You keep me warm

We find our way out

I get so caught up in the middle
Thinking of drowning in those blue eyes
I'm losing sight cause I am falling
I'm so deep down, deep down

Cornelia Street

Lost in the city,

blinded by the lights;

even though I know this place

like the back of my hands.

Something's missing,

the fingers that

used to intertwine with mine; 

as we wandered through 

the city streets at night.

Searching for those eyes,

hoping to find it

as I turned on every corner.

Just so I can tell you -

I don't wanna lose you.

Smother Me

I've always learned

to be content

with whatever 

comes my way.

To never ask for more

than I already have

because not everyone

has the same privileges

that I've had.

Yet with you,

there could never

be enough.

Call me greedy, if you must.

Because even if 

you are way more than

what this heart

could ever hold

still, 

I keep on 

wanting for more.

Now I can breathe
Turn my insides out and smother me
Warm and alive, I'm all over you
Would you smother me?

La La

I tend to use

ambiguous words

to beat around the bush.

I fancy you.

I adore you.

You make me smile.

Hiding behind

these seemingly 

flippant words,

even if we both know

I'm just too yellow -

to say the ones that

I really wanted to say.

What would you do if I told you that I la, la, la, la, loved you?
Do if I said it tonight?
What would you do if I told you that I la, la, la, la, loved you?
Cause you know I la, la, la, lie

Iris

 i watched you
as you bled your heart out
of all its miseries and regrets.
you thought nobody
would care enough anymore;
to lend you an ear and listen.
you thought you were just a name
on someone else's list;
and that your days would end
just as that, only a name.
i hope you know that you're not.
'cause i watched you.
please keep in mind
that you are more than 
just a name - to me.
you are human 

and your story 

is just as important

as all of the other human beings

who lived, are living,

and will live in this planet.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Still Though We Should Dance

your song

played on the radio

out of the blue

and it reminded 

me of you

now all i can think about

is how i wish

i could dance with you

I'm not superstitious though I feared I was cursed
You'd think that almost drowning would have quenched my thirst
But you walked in the room and I knew at our first glance
With you I wanna dance

Say A Little Prayer

your mind was muddled
by your troublesome past
and foregone sorrow.
now you spend your time
listening to voices
you hear inside your head.
everyday i try to reach you
with our simple greetings
and silly banters.
until one day i asked you
to just say a little prayer for me.
it caught me off guard
when you bowed your head
and with a clear voice,
you offered your sincerest prayer for me.
and that time,
all i could think about was that
i was blessed by an angel.

 

Is It Okay?

set off on a journey
where two souls could meet
meet me in the in between
where sleep and wake intertwine
i'll bring you peace
if you'll let me call you mine

Is it okay if I call you mine?
Just for a time
And I will be just fine
If I know that you know that I'm wanting
Needing your love

A Love Song

Love is what
makes the difference
at the end
of an exhausting day.
No matter how 
grueling your day
could be;
if what you seek
and what you find
at the end of each day

are peace and comfort,
and a hand to hold,
then you probably understand
how and why 

love is what 
makes the difference

at the end of an exhausting day.

'Cause everybody's needing
What the singers all are singing
In a love song.

Angel

my day went by

in a blur

no time to breathe

no time to rest

my day went by

in a rush

here and there

everywhere

finally my day

came into a lull

where everything 

finally went 

hush hush hush

i sat on the grass

and looked at the stars

wishing i could just

sit with you and tell you how 

my day went by 

in a blur

Let me be empty
Oh, and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel

The One

he was the one
who made me see
that there's more to life
than just him and me.

even though

we are just mere 

specks of dust 

in comparison

to the vast size 

of this universe,

in all of these lifetimes

we spent apart

in search of our own purpose,

him and me

will always 

find our way 

back to each other

like we're supposed to be.

- worth the wait -

You make my heart feel like it's summer
When the rain is pouring down
You make my whole world feel so right when it's wrong
That's how I know you are the one

Something I Need

Please be patient

and have a little faith in me.

After all this time,

just when I thought

all the puzzle pieces

were finally in place,

you scrambled it all again

and threw in your pieces

as well.

Now here I am,

grappling with the fact that,

as I try to put 

the puzzle back together,

you are something I need.

You got something I need
In this world full of people, there's one killing me
And if we only die once (hey)
I wanna die with you (you, you, you)

Sleeping To Dream

dreary heart

weary bones

dragging feet

to where we meet

in search of repose

in search of home

- you'll always be my home

Sleeping to dream about you
I'm so damn tired of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind
I'm sleeping to dream about you, I'm so tired
I'm so tired

Partners in Crime

Sometimes 

with most people

my mind goes blank

and I just can't find

the right words to say -

so an awkward silence ensues.

But,

between

You and I,

there are times

when we don't need words -

and silence is just a part

of this language that we share.

- actions speak louder than words -

But isn't that what friends are for
Even if we used to be more?
Like lovers or partners in crime
When you were still mine

I Carry Your Heart

Everyday I keep a brave face
as I listen to their stories
of times that have gone by.

Everyday I keep a brave face
even if my heart cracks in places
everytime I hear the sound 

of longing in their voices.

Everyday my heart breaks

knowing that I would probably be

the last person to remember

the stories of their 

long forgotten past.

Then I think of you

and I hope you know that, 

even if the time comes

when the world may seem

to have forgotten you,

I will always carry your

heart in mine.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I Miss You

I swear I don't
miss you at all.
not the way 
you light up my day
over the simple things
you do to make my day;
or how you make everything
sound interesting
from the complex to the mundane.
who am I kidding,
when I say I don't miss you?
if every waking and dreaming
moment I spent,
were mostly filled
by thoughts of you.

To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you.

 

Could I Love You Any More?

I asked myself 
countless of times
if falling in love
is truly a risk
worth taking.
Then came you
and I realized that
the question is 

now just rhetorical.
For how can love not be
a risk worth taking
if it's you who is there
waiting for me
to take that leap with you.

Sunrise, time flies, feels like a dream
Being close, inhaling, hard to believe
Seven billion people in the world
Finding you is like a miracle
Only this wonder remains

There's No Way

it usually takes me 
quite some time
before something naturally
becomes a habit.
but with you
it only took -
a flicker of a smile
and self-deprecating laugh;
and a glimpse of
that sensitive soul
hiding underneath the surface.
now you're one hell of a
hard habit to break.

We just dance backwards into each other
Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered
You touched me and it's almost like we knew
That there would be history

Kiss on my List

 

When they insist on knowing my bliss

I tell them this

When they want to know what the reason is

I only smile when I lie, then I tell them why

your kiss is on my list

(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list

Because your kiss is on my list of the best things in life

Love is the Answer

too many questions
flitting around
this complex mind

a game of query -
an overthinkers
favored past time

a contest of wits -
finding the best scenario
for the game of what ifs

yet the answer is always simple
it may just be hard to accept
for an excessively complex mind

- too good to be true

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer

Well I Wonder

lying on the rug
staring at the ceiling
hitting rewind
pressing play
listening to 
the scratching sound 
the speakers make
as the cassette tape
spins around
backward and forward

in time
repeating the 
same song
again and again
the one that resonates
the thoughts inside my head

- well i wonder

Gasping - dying - but somehow still alive This is the final stand of all I am Please keep me in mind Well I wonder

Sleep On The Floor

the landing place

undetermined,

the port of call

unknown,

which path to take

a mystery,

the fellow traveler

an enigma,

each day a maze 

of twisted alleys

where the only constant

is tomorrow -

tomorrow

and all of its uncertainties;

and you -

you who makes 

it all worthwhile.

Pack yourself a toothbrush dear
Pack yourself a favorite blouse
Take a withdrawal slip
Take all of your savings out
'Cause if we don't leave this town
We might never make it out

That Sparks Fly Moment

a spur of the moment
an accidental hello
that lit up the spark
and thawed a once frozen heart
that already forgot
how to beat
now skipping and dancing
in an erratic beat

drop everything now

meet me in the pouring rain

kiss me on the sidewalk

take away the pain

'cause i see sparks fly

whenever you smile

While I was looking through some of the old posts here in my blog, I suddenly realized that it was exactly seven years ago today when I posted one of my stories here. Damn. As I was reading it, I was cringing a little bit here and there, but still laughing at the silliness of the girl that I was before.😂 I gotta admit, that girl was a hopeless romantic down to the core, and in some ways, I kinda miss her.😅

So this story, which I advise you not to read if you don't like stories that are drenched in syrup and sprinkled with sugar, was inspired by the lunacy of my bestfriend and I. It was during our early "Swiftie" days and we were both swooning over the song Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift. So what we did, we used the song as a writing prompt for creating a story about our "dream sparks fly moment". And boy was it ever oh so cheesy. Until now, I'm still trying to figure out where all the mushiness came from.

In case you want to read it, click on this link. Don't blame me though if you end up getting swarmed by ants and bees once you're done with it..😂

It's been years, and now it feels like these characters that I've created inside my head, on that day seven years ago, are calling me once again to finish their story. The only problem is, I'm not sure if I can; after all of the struggles and the heartaches, the priorities and the responsibilities - the growing up that was needed. Now I don't know if I can continue their story knowing that I already gave up those rose-tinted glasses I once wore when I created them. I don't know if I can still give them the happy ending that they deserve. I know I owe it to them, and hopefully in time I could, but probably not yet soon.

Coincidence or Just Plain Craziness?

This is  going to be one of my "short" blabberings so please just humor me. This wasn't even my planned post. I'll just probably post the other one  tomorrow or later if I get to finish it.

Anyway. Let's go back to this one.

So just recently, I wrote a post titled "Yellow" and it was about a dream that I had last April. (Kindly see the aforementioned post so you can understand it better.) Maybe it's the reason why for months now, my mind's been fascinated too much with thoughts of multiverse; wherein a version of us exists in another reality and our dreams are not just made-up stories of our brain. Instead, they are our own memories, but from a different reality. And when we dream, we get to take a peek into these other worlds the we exist in. It's the reason why until now, I still couldn't let go of the memory of that dream. Because it felt really different from all the usual ones that I had before. Trust me, I dream a lot. Now, everytime I hear the song Yellow by Coldplay, I usually end up thinking about that dream.

Now let's move forward to the present. About more than a week ago, I ordered books from an online sale. Weirdly enough, I took a risk by picking the books not because of their storyline, but just because of the title. (I sure do know how to live dangerously - nerd). So when they arrived, I was quite surprised to see that one of the books has the same premise as to what I've been thinking about lately. It's about dreams and alternate realities. In case you're interested, the book is "Traveler" by L.E. DeLano and if you're planning to read it then, you better stop reading this blog post now because from here onward, it will be full of spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

Let's continue. 

In the book, Jessa is a writer. She thought she only had a colorful imagination and that's why she has a lot of good ideas for writing. Then, she started dreaming about this guy and she was caught by surprise when one day, the guy from her dream, who is named Finn, suddenly appeared. He was the one who informed her that he and Jessa are both "Travelers", that they can travel across different realities. They exist in most realities, and that's who they exchange with when they travel. But there are also realities wherein a version of them do not exist. That's the case with Finn. He came from another reality and he does not a have a version of him that he can exchange with in this one. It's quite complicated. Anyway, the reason why he traveled was to warn Jessa that in other realities, versions of her were being killed one by one. So Finn is trying to figure out the reason why because somehow, he was indirectly related to the deaths of the other Jessas. I still haven't finished the book though so let's see what will happen. 

The reason why I wrote this post is because I reached the part of the book where Jessa asked Finn about the version of her in his own reality. She figured out already that that Jessa died. Finn told her what happened and Jessa knows that he was just trying to put on a brave face as he kept on saying that he was okay because he knows that he will see her again in another reality. But she knows that he was still hurting from losing the version of her in his own reality. Then, I reached this part of their conversation:

"I'm sorry Finn,"

"It's not your fault", he says

"I know. But I'm still sorry it happened to you. I wish it hadn't." I feel a lump growing in my throat at the thought of what he's had to live through. "I'm sorry I left you there alone."

When I read that line, I had to stop. It gave me goosebumps because they mirrored exactly my own thoughts about the person I left behind in my dream. Call me crazy or whatever but for me, I can still remember how real the pain felt like. If you already lost someone who matters a lot to you, I'm sure you know how that feels. 

So there. That's it. Just wanted to share some of the weird coincidences that come my way. I'm still not sure if the universe is sending me a sign or what. One thing's for sure though, I can't wait to see how the story unfolds. :)

Yellow

i met you in a dream

in the middle of your grief.

i can't remember your face,

but i can remember your pain.

the sound of your weeping

still lingers in my memory.

all i wanted to say is,

i'm sorry if i woke up

and left you behind with your tears.

*** Sooooooooo. Here's the story. I had this weird dream around six months ago. It was quite different from the ones I've had before, because this one didn't feel like a dream at all. Usually, I can differentiate dream from reality once I wake up, yet with this one, it felt all too real.

The dream went like this. I was with this person and  it seemed like it was more than a day. We've been to places and it was all good. Then, the setting changed and suddenly we were in a room. This person was trying so hard to hold on to his emotion because he just lost someone. Someone that I also met and knew in my dream. But when I approached him and told him that it's okay to let it all out, he held on to me and that's when the dam broke. God, I can still remember how his howl sounded like and just by thinking about it, I can still feel this tight clench around my chest. Damn it. Now I wanna cry again. Anyway. So another shift in the setting. We were walking around at night and we found ourselves in a familiar part of the city. It's a street with tall buildings and the street was dark. Then, we reached a building with a lighted room that can be seen from the outside. When I took a peek, I saw that inside it was painted dark blue and was only illuminated by the glow of fairy lights. It looked like the sky at night. I showed it to him and I remember telling him "Look at the lights. They look like stars. Remember how much she loved the stars?" (hence the title of the post). And that's how we ended up crying all over again on the sidewalk. That was the last thing I remembered before I woke up and I realized that I was crying and sobbing for real.

Most of you are probably thinking right now that I'm just making too much out of it. That it was just a dream. I don't know. But the thing is, it left me a nagging feeling that this person is known to me. Probably not in this world, but in another reality. I just feel really bad for leaving this person behind when I woke up from my dream. I hope everything is well and will be better.

Can't Sleep

It's 2:22 am and surprisingly so, I'm still wide awake. I can't figure out if it's due to sugar and caffeine overdose or something else. (and now the song "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional is currently playing - too early to say goodnight). Considering that it's been a long day and a tiring one as well. That's why I don't understand why my brain is all wired up and my neurons are buzzing around all over the place as if the sun is up and shining. I honestly think I still have the energy to clean the whole house if I wanted to. Damn it. So here I am, staring at my computer screen, just spilling my thoughts out. 

So where should I begin?

Well, I'm still trying to put my life back on track. Since the pandemic hit, everything felt like it was all in shambles. To tell you the truth, (now, "Marry Me" by Train is playing) I'm not really  good with planning my life. At all. I probably got used to the idea of letting the circumstances decide for me. To let me be carried to where the wind blows. And I thought I was already content with that. But sometime last year, I realized that I'm not getting any younger and so I probably should start learning how to steer the wheel on my own. So what I did, I tried to resign from my post from my previous work. However, they asked me if I could at least stay for one more year. And I gave in. Because I thought it would give me enough time to work out my plans for a longer time. I even considered working abroad for the first time. 

THEN 2020 HAPPENED.

Everything went down the drain. It's like each day, I just get through it, with paranoia lurking behind me all the time. Where my only thought was that me and my loved ones should all live and survive through this. And it's excruciating and tiring. It's like my mind can't think of anything else but that, at all. But I try my best to stay positive at most times, because I can think of alot more other people who had it worse than I do. I still am grateful for the blessings that I receive each day. But when days are dreary, I just also want to weep it all out, like a normal person, only to let go some of my frustrations. 

So there. (Background music: cue "Everglow" by Coldplay)

All I want to say is, I just miss being the me that I was before all of these. I just hope that I will get to meet her again somewhere in the near future. So I can tell her that we made it through and that we've turned into something new, hopefully, into something better. And that we will start making again our own little ways into changing the world for the better.

ILYSB

_f  there'_  one  rea_on

for  me  to  wr_te  a_out  _ove,

_ou  know  _t's  _ou,  r_ght?

Too Close

she was a solitary bird
perched atop her tree,
stretching her neck to see
as the river runs its course;
until it reaches the place 
where they say it meets the sea.

for her it was only a thing of legend,
this collision of the river's rushing waters
and the ocean's crashing waves.
for she had never, not even once,
tried to test her wings,
so she had never been to that majestic place.

but then he came and perched himself
beside her and since then,
she never had a moment's peace.
for he kept on nudging her to take the leap
and see the world beyond her tree.
and finally she did.
that's when she learned how it truly felt like
to be finally free.



 

Oh, oh, something's gonna happen if we get too close, yeah

Oh, I don't know how you do it, but my heart's wide open

I feel my tippy-toes over the edge

And I ain't looking back over my shoulder

Ain't got no parachute but I'm okay

Something's gonna happen if we get too close, yeah

Ocean Eyes

Why is it love,

that every time I look into those eyes,

I lose my breath

and feel like drowning on dry land?

And despite of the fear of the unknown,

you make me want to dive deep

into those ocean eyes

and face the turbulent storms

lurking underneath the surface.

Why does it feel like,

the beginning of you

will be the end of me?

I'm scared

I've never fallen from quite this high
Falling into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

Photo Inspo: Coron, Palawan - June, 2019

I Like Me Better

caught in the moment between

here and forever

today and tomorrow

hello and goodbye

either way it's fine

'cause it's in those "mornights"

where i first met the version of me that i like

the me that i am when i'm with you

midnight into morning coffee
burning through the hours talking...

damn, I like me better when I'm with you

Lifetime

our lines have crossed

a couple of times

always there were sparks

appearing at the point of contact

a flick of a moment,

a fraction of a second,

that if you blink your eyes

you just might miss

this tiny firework show that appears

where our crossed lines kiss

was there a lifetime waiting for us

in a world where i was yours

Music for Cars

she jumped into his car

and never looked back

he said,

"are you sure?

'cause once we do this thing

there's no turning back"

with nervous hands

she buckled her seat belt

and chose a record from his pile

she popped it in the stereo

and when she pressed play

she looked him straight in the eye

and said

"just take me to the place

where stars are made"

We go where nobody knows

with guns hidden under our petticoats 

Invisible String

i am a jumbled mess of letters

a scatterbrain of a person

always losing her keys

or tripping over her feet.

yet somehow,

and no one knows how,

this set of feet managed to

find its way to you.

isn't it just so pretty to think

all along there was some

invisible string tying you to me

Pink Skies

sound of the crashing waves

pink skies hanging above 

sand beneath our feet

you and me 

- with arms entwined -

in the in between

Leap Day 2020 - (Mariveles, Bataan)

Talkin' under pink skies, 

I think our hearts are starting to show
That it's better, you and I, 

under pink skies