Jesus Don't Want Me For A Sunbeam

Hi! Since it's Kurt Cobain's birthday today (though technically, this will be up at 12am the next day :P), I've decided to skip my usual posts for the meantime. (Sorry guys. I'd make it up to you tomorrow.) 

Most of you probably might not know, but Kurt Cobain has always been a hero of mine. I know some of you might think that it's just all about the teenage angst and stuff, but truth be told, he's a person that I highly admire and respect. I'm very grateful that I have siblings who usually shower me with stuff I can't afford to indulge my self with and that's why I feel lucky that I have in my hands a copy of "Journals" by Kurt Cobain. 

So in this occasion, let me share with you some snippets of my favorite parts.

"Don't read my diary when I'm gone.

OK, Im going to work now, when you

wake up this morning, please read my

diary. Look through my things,

and figure me out."

>> From the beginning, I arlready felt a kinship with this man. I'm not sure if what I felt from reading his words was the same way he felt while he was writing it. For me, the reason why I write was because I want someone to hear me out, to be truly interested on who I am and what I'm saying, because they took the time to read the words I've written. Unlike if I just open my mouth, one could pretend that they're listening, but in truth, they're just staring blankly into space while waiting for me to finish speaking or for their turn to speak.

"uncertainty certainty
I wish there was someone I could ask for advice. Someone who wouldn't make me feel like a creep for spilling my guts and trying to explain all the insecurities that have plagued me for oh, about 25 years now. I wish someone could explain to me why exactly I have no desire to learn anymore why I need to have so much energy and the need to search for miles and weeks for anything new and different. excitement. I was once a magnet for attracting new off beat personalities who would introduce me to music and books and of the obscure and I would soak it into my system like a rabid sex crazed junkie hyperactive mentally retarded toddler who's jus had her first taste of sugar."

>> This one quite hit me a tad bit harder because I'm almost the same age as he was when he wrote this one, though I've experienced it when I was a couple of years younger. It made me realize that, boy was I lucky I made it through that turmoil without shooting my own brains out.

And this one is my most favorite of all (a letter to his dad):

"Seven months ago I chose to put myself in a position which requires the highest form of responsibilty a person can have. A responsibility that should not be dictated to take on this responsibility. Everytime I see a television show that has dying children or seeing a testimonial by a parent who recently lost  their child I can't help but cry. The thought of losing my baby haunts me everyday. Im even a bit unnerved to take her in the car in fear of getting into an accident. I swear that if I ever find myself in a similar situation that youve been in ie. the divorce I will fight to my death to keep the right to provide for my child. I'll go out of my way to remind her that I love her more than I love myself. not because it's a fathers duty but because I want to out of love. And if Courtney and I end up hating each others guts we both will be adult and responsible enough to be pleasant to one another when our child is around us..."

>> For this alone I tip my hat to him and I say, he would have been a great father to his daughter, if only he received all the help that he could have had. 

Suffering clinical depression and an undiagnosed stomach ailment without proper support system could really drive a person into desperation. And I hate it when people just judge him as a typical heroin-addict-overly-spoiled-rockstar and that the only reason why he shot himself was because the drugs got into his brain. I know that what he did can never be justified, but do these people even realize how too much pain and suffering took its toll on him? How can they pass judgement that easily if they've never experienced such things? Imagine you were the one suffering an ailment that even some of the good doctors could not diagnose and all that they could offer you was a drug induced coma-like state. Do you think you would have still wanted to live and let your kid grow up while watching you waste away? 

I know how it feels like to not want to be the cause of suffering of the people you love so you'd just rather die instead. (I'm not saying though that I was - or am suicidal, I only mean that I can understand where he was coming from.) And it's a little bit sad that most of the things that people can remember of him were these things. Reading his private thoughts made me appreciate the other side of me. The one that's not all fairy tales and happy endings. The one that evens out the balance. It taught me that there wouldn't have been dawn if not for the night. That there wouldn't have been healing if not for the wounds. And that there wouldn't have been hope if not for the tragedy. And for this lessons that I've learned I thank him and I pray that he finally found the peace and calm he was searching for. 

Kurt Donald Cobain

(Feb. 20, 1967 - Apr. 05, 1994)

"With the lights out, it's less dangerous!

Here we are now, entertain us!"