Far Away

***If you're here for my usual posts, please come back tomorrow. Because for now, I'll just let out some of my mindless blabberings and chatterings. :)

Since you're still reading and you did not heed my warning, why don't we pretend that we're having a conversation instead. Shall we? :)

This week has been pretty rough with all its extreme ups and downs, it felt like I was riding a death defying roller coaster ride. So lately what I did, after a long day from work, was lie on my bed and stare blankly at my ceiling, as I try to organize the clutter inside my head. While doing so, the thought that lingered most was my apparent aversion to falling in love. Yip, you read it right.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not against love itself or with people falling in love with each other. It's just that I'm not comfortable with the idea of "falling in love" and "me" in a single sentence. I know it might seem confusing, given that I always say I'm a hopeless romantic by nature and I'm quite fond of romance books and cheesy-mushy-films, but I'll try to enlighten you as much as I can.

I know a lot of people say that falling in love is probably the best experience you could ever have. Some may even say that you haven't lived a real life if you've never fallen in love, not even once in your life. Is that what you believe too?

I admit that sometimes I wonder how it would feel to really fall in love with someone - not just with the characters inside the books that I've read or those heroes on the films that I've watched - but with someone who is real. Sometimes I even imagine how it would happen, would I fall fast and hard? Or would it be slow and sweet? Would it be the "at first sight" kind of love or the "friends to lovers" kind? As my mind slowly warms into the idea, there goes that niggling thought that would suddenly pop out of my mind acting like a life raft that prevents me from sinking in too deep. That is the fear of being left alone.

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I know it might sound selfish, but if I ever got into the scenario that I would fall in love,  I probably wouldn't mind being the one who loves more; I just wouldn't want to be the one who'll be left behind. I guess this fear is what pulls me out from this haze of happily ever afters that I want to believe in. I do try to live the moment, but I couldn't help but wonder about the ending too. Thinking that someday I might lose that person I chose to give my heart to, scares the heck out of me. And I start to think why bother falling in love when you know that in the end, even if you did love each other till the end, one of you will be left behind to bear the pain of losing the other. Would the pain be worth it? What about you, would you be willing to risk it?

A lot of people might think that I'm just taking the coward's way out and I understand. Because I do feel like a coward for feeling this way, but there's nothing I could do about it. I know it's irrational to fear something so good but that's how it is for me. Let's just say I'm too scared to risk to feel again the pain of losing a loved one. It's something that I probably would never get the the hang of. I guess falling in love really is not for the fainthearted, but for the brave ones.

Sorry if I bored you with my mindless chatterings, but I warned you already so we could say it's also your fault. ;)

As I was writing this, I happen to stumble upon this video from Oprah and these songs that I haven't played for quite sometime suddenly played next on my playlist. Another one of those Baader-Meinhof moments.@_@

I wanted, I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say...