Lightyears

You are the sun that 
brightens up my sky,
that brings light
to the dark side of the
moon that is me.
We may be lightyears apart,
but I can still feel the
warmth of the fire
that burns from the
kindling that is your heart.
You are the miracle 
I've been wanting to see.
When the time comes
that you shall burn bright 
one last time,
I wish the gravity from 
the dark hole that you'll 
create will be strong 
enough to pull me in to you,
and finally close this
distance between us.
The particles that were once
was me and, once was you
will finally rearrange and,
turn us into something new.
With this, I hope, I shall 
get a new chance to witness 
another miracle.
Not of you,
but WITH YOU.

Flight

Standing on the ledge,
watching the sun
set on the horizon,
as it lends the sky
its pink and orange haze.
The wind blew fast,
shaking the rickety ledge
I'm standing upon.
The fear came crawling in,
trapping me inside this
cageless prison.

My knees locked,

my grip tightened,
with a deep breath I
let the shudder pass.
I thought of two ways
to land my feet on the ground:
Should I climb down the wall
with my eyes closed?
Or should I leap instead
and learn how it feels
to fly even just for a little while?

source

source

***Just a tip of the hat to my current read because this book is giving me too many feels. ;)

On My List

I tore off a piece of paper,
to write the list of things
that I long for.
I thought hard and deep
to find what's most 
important that I 
wish to receive.
As my mind wandered
onto places and things
it longed for,
my hand suddenly 
had a mind of its own,
making squiggles and lines
across the page,
writing a wish of its own.
Wishing for something 
it longs to hold and caress
with the tips of its fingers
and, feel the warmth of it
on its palm.
It took me a moment to
realize, that what it wrote
is not a thing or a place.
It's just the letters
of your name again and again.

Because your kiss is on my list of the best things in life...

Catch - 22

I threw my dreams

out onto the sea,

in hopes of clinging

to this hard fought sanity.

But the waves keep 

on crashing back 

to the shore,

carrying with it

those dreams I tossed before,

plunging me back

to the dream world

I tried to escape from

once more.

If It Kills Me

Too afraid -

Too scared -

Too terrified -

to say out loud

the words that

could either

make you stay

or walk away.

Suck it up.

Let it out.

Hear me out.

I've never known

that a heart could beat

this loud and fast,

as if it's clawing it's way

out of my chest

and straight into

your hands.

If I should be so bold,

I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand...

...And all I really want from you is to feel me

as the feeling inside me keeps building

I'd find a way to you if it kills me

Iris

Caught up like

a deer in headlights,

the first time I

saw your bright eyes.

I wanted to show you

someone worth knowing,

so I put on all of these

layers that would just

keep you from getting

too close for comfort.

That's not enough, you said

I want it all.

And with each step you took,

you peeled away each 

layer that I wore

until all that's left

is the naked truth inside of me.

Once you got to where I was,
all I could see was the crinkle
in your eyes everytime you smile at me.

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

Only Love

There were only

two seasons that I know of

before there was you.

I only knew how 

the Summer heat 

could scorch my skin

and how the Rain could

wash away the pain.

But how is it that now 

that I watch the Sunset 

and I realize that you are

somewhere beyond the horizon,

I suddenly fall apart like the

falling leaves in Autumn

and I feel this bitter chill 

inside my veins; as if the harsh 

cold of Winter rushes through it.

How will I ever find the way

that will bring me to the

shelter of your arms?

Give me shelter, show me heart

Come on love, come on love

Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart

Before It Explodes

Lie awake. Still night.
The deafening silence
surrounding me,
with nothing but the sound
of my grandfather's watch
ticking beside my head.
I imagine seeing
the tiny bits and pieces
clicking and moving
within its confined space,
wondering how it once looked
on my grandfather's wrist;
as I am now wearing it on my own.
I find myself listening closely 
to the sound of the watch ticking,
holding my breath, as if waiting
for the final explosion that 
would snap me out of this
foolish dream I'm living in 
inside of my head.

The fuse is already lit, so how about a final kiss

and just let it go

and stop the madness before it explodes

before it's out of our control

let's stop the madness before it explodes

Sound and Fury

Temper bubbling, 

desperate to be free.

A snap of the finger,

sent it all flaring.

Blinded by the red haze,

grasping for sanity.

Guilt crashes in,

like a wave rising from

the freezing sea;

dousing off the fire

from this raging heart.

Leaving nothing else

but a black smoke

rising to the air,

and an invisible scar

on this wicked-weakened heart.

Now I ask, who else would dare

to cross its desolate path?

Black Cat

Black cat, black cat
where are you from?
Why do they say that
you bring nothing but bad luck?
Do you really even care 
if people cross themselves,
everytime you cross 
the streets that they walk in?
Or would you never mind them
and just keep on licking yourself clean?
Black cat, black cat
are you really bad luck?
Would your color still matter, 
if the person who's holding you now is blind?
Would you still be a bad luck
if it's only your soft fur and calming purr,
that could keep this worn and lonely soul 
from feeling all alone?
Black cat, black cat
where are you now?

source

*** Pardon me for the weirdness of this one. My mind's been wandering lately especially during my long walks on my way home while searching for the perfect homeless kitten to name  "Mr. Fredricksen". :P :)

When I Get Up

Woke up in a trance

and I feel once again

this gaping hole inside my heart.

The rest of my day passed by in a haze.

Now, the night closes in

and I'm still lost on my way.

Lend me your hand

and wipe away the anxiety

from this restless heart.

Whisper to the wind the words

that would finally guide me 

back home to you.

and on the road I sleep alone

and I can't wait until I'm home

No Matter What

Hang your cape on the wall.
Shake off the chill and
let me get you a cup of tea.
Come and sit by the fire with me.
You can lean on me if you want,
I promise you I won't break.
Take all the time you need
to get your bearings back.
For once, let me be the one
to look after you.
You don't need to be the
hero all the time.
Not even with me.
For now, all I ask from you is this:
Just be with me.

So believe me when I say you're the one...

Get To You

My heartbeat is racing,

as it tries to match my pace.

The city lights fade into a blur.

Though my feet are weary

I swear I won't stop

till I'm by your side.

Once I get to you, promise me 

that you'll hold still

as I try to catch my breath.

Let me hold you tight

and wrap my arms around you,

as I trace the lines on your back

with these trembling hands

that are seeking for your warmth.

Let me breathe you in

as my mouth slowly traces a 

path from that pulse on your neck

up to your waiting lips,

finally capturing the taste

it's been craving for a long time.

Please just hear this unspoken plea:

I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up.

Won't you hold on just for a while

Please don't give up on me tonight

'Cause I'm on my way... 

Far Away

***If you're here for my usual posts, please come back tomorrow. Because for now, I'll just let out some of my mindless blabberings and chatterings. :)

Since you're still reading and you did not heed my warning, why don't we pretend that we're having a conversation instead. Shall we? :)

This week has been pretty rough with all its extreme ups and downs, it felt like I was riding a death defying roller coaster ride. So lately what I did, after a long day from work, was lie on my bed and stare blankly at my ceiling, as I try to organize the clutter inside my head. While doing so, the thought that lingered most was my apparent aversion to falling in love. Yip, you read it right.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not against love itself or with people falling in love with each other. It's just that I'm not comfortable with the idea of "falling in love" and "me" in a single sentence. I know it might seem confusing, given that I always say I'm a hopeless romantic by nature and I'm quite fond of romance books and cheesy-mushy-films, but I'll try to enlighten you as much as I can.

I know a lot of people say that falling in love is probably the best experience you could ever have. Some may even say that you haven't lived a real life if you've never fallen in love, not even once in your life. Is that what you believe too?

I admit that sometimes I wonder how it would feel to really fall in love with someone - not just with the characters inside the books that I've read or those heroes on the films that I've watched - but with someone who is real. Sometimes I even imagine how it would happen, would I fall fast and hard? Or would it be slow and sweet? Would it be the "at first sight" kind of love or the "friends to lovers" kind? As my mind slowly warms into the idea, there goes that niggling thought that would suddenly pop out of my mind acting like a life raft that prevents me from sinking in too deep. That is the fear of being left alone.

source

I know it might sound selfish, but if I ever got into the scenario that I would fall in love,  I probably wouldn't mind being the one who loves more; I just wouldn't want to be the one who'll be left behind. I guess this fear is what pulls me out from this haze of happily ever afters that I want to believe in. I do try to live the moment, but I couldn't help but wonder about the ending too. Thinking that someday I might lose that person I chose to give my heart to, scares the heck out of me. And I start to think why bother falling in love when you know that in the end, even if you did love each other till the end, one of you will be left behind to bear the pain of losing the other. Would the pain be worth it? What about you, would you be willing to risk it?

A lot of people might think that I'm just taking the coward's way out and I understand. Because I do feel like a coward for feeling this way, but there's nothing I could do about it. I know it's irrational to fear something so good but that's how it is for me. Let's just say I'm too scared to risk to feel again the pain of losing a loved one. It's something that I probably would never get the the hang of. I guess falling in love really is not for the fainthearted, but for the brave ones.

Sorry if I bored you with my mindless chatterings, but I warned you already so we could say it's also your fault. ;)

As I was writing this, I happen to stumble upon this video from Oprah and these songs that I haven't played for quite sometime suddenly played next on my playlist. Another one of those Baader-Meinhof moments.@_@

I wanted, I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say...

Secret Garden

If you really want to know

this other side of me,

I'd let you take a peek

into this place that I keep,

deep within the recesses 

of this tortured soul.

If you don't like what you see,

and afraid that the darkness

would pull you in,

tell me now before it's too late,

save yourself and do make haste.

Disappear

It's days like this
that makes me want to escape
to a place where no one knows me,
where no one will find me,
where I can only be myself.
Just to be free from all this pain
that loving too much could bring you.

It's hard being the one who 
always understands,
who always makes excuses for 
their actions.
Sometimes I wish I could
learn how to be selfish and numb,
just to be free from all this pain
that loving too much could bring you.

But wishing to disappear is all I could do,
because with these chains
wrapped tightly around my heart,
I know that it's as far as I could go.
Knowing that if I try to pull harder
against these shackles surrounding me
would probably hurt so much more than staying.

And I know I don't know much

But I know that a man feels many things

It's a fleeting urge to run

Like a bird flying by on a summer breeze

Like the sound of a train if you're listening

It just fades in, then it disappears

Walk away, leave it all behind

I dream of the escape but never try

Without Rhyme or Reason

It is quite frightening to surmise
that someday, somehow,
I'd meet this stranger
who would manage to unlock 
this treasure chest of 
tangled emotions
I've kept safely subdued,
with only just a simple touch 
of the hand, or even just a 
passing glance;
all just because that's how 
fate and destiny meant it to be.

Maybe it's intuition

but some things you just don't question...

Things I'll Never Say

I've been losing sleep
over these words bottled up
inside of me.
All of these stories
desperate to be free.
Staring at the sky,
watching the planes go by,
pretending that each one
is a shooting star passing by;
as I make wishes for this
foolish heart of mine.
Now I  begin to wonder,
is this how people
lose their minds?

Guess I'm wishing my life away

with these things I'll never say.

Runaway

If only I could

I would but for now, all I

can do is just dream.

Thinking Out Loud

Here I am

lying underneath

this blanket of stars,

thinking of things

that I wanted to see.

I thought of places

and scenes,

of majestic ruins

and their myths,

but I'm willing to 

give it all up

just so I can see 

and feel the small things 

that make you real.

To watch you breathe, 

the steady rise and fall 

of your chest as you sleep.

To hold your hand and

touch the pulse in your wrist,

as my other hand feels the beat 

of your heart beneath my palm.

To hear you whisper my name

softly in my ear,

as your warm breath fondles my cheek.

It's only these little things 

that matter to me now,

just to remind me that

what we are is real.

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe just the touch of a hand

Well me, I fall in love with you every single day

And I just wanna tell you I am

Miss Your Fire

Buried underneath 

these sheets,

trying to escape 

from the cold,

still a shiver ran

through my bones.

As to what the cause is,

I can never be sure.

Is it because 

of this wide 

empty space beside me,

filled only by the 

bitter night chill?

Or is it because 

of this sudden

thought of you that 

lit a spark within me?

Your passion made me feel a love

Like the blue inside of a flame

And I can't get you off my mind

Burns me when I hear your name

Oh, I miss your fire

Broken Dream

Stringing out words,

searching for the right ones,

trying to figure out

how to tell you precisely

what you make me feel.

And yet -

I find myself stumbling

and stuttering over 

every single one,

until all that's left 

is the sound of your name

coming out us a plea

from these lips that 

are still longing for the

warmth of your skin.

Looking in the sky I can see your face

And then I know right where I fit in

Take me, make me

You know that I'll always be in love with you

Right till the end

True

I'm used to doing 

things on my own,

never much at ease with

the damsel-in-distress 

kind of role.

It's the reason why it 

makes me wonder,

how you managed

to draw me out 

of this shell I hid in

and made me bare

my soul to you.

Will it make any sense 

when I say that

it's only you who has

ever made me feel both

vulnerable and sheltered,

skeptical and dreamy-eyed,

terrified and reckless,

all at the same time?

This is the sound of my soul

This is the sound

I bought a ticket to the world

but now I've come back again

Why do I find it hard to write the next line

Oh, I want the truth  to be said.

You Make It Real

I was laying my head on my mother's lap

as we both watched the lights flicker

across the branches of our Christmas tree;

when sweet memories of Christmas past

lit this welcoming warmth inside of me.

"Just like how it used to," I thought happily.

Enchanted by the dance created

by those flickering lights, I found my imagination 

wandering into somewhere new.

There, I suddenly saw a scene of me and you, 

in front of a Christmas tree, 

with my head on your lap, or yours on mine -

either way would be fine, as long as it's you

I wouldn't mind.

"Just like how it might be," I wished hopefully.

This vision of us caught me off guard

as it turned this warmth I feel

into a burning need that could only be sated 

once you're here.

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand

You got to be the only one who knows just who I am

You're shining in the distance, I hope I can make it through

' cause the only place that I want to be

is right back home with you.

Gemini

A-side. Flip-side.

East. West.

Port side. Starboard.

Heads. Tails.

Why can't I just

be either-or

instead of and-both?

It's hard always being the 
brave heroine who saves the day;

when there are days, all I want to be

is the princess who needs the saving.

How do you make a compromise

between this overbearing adult

and the rebel kid whom it

shares the same shell with?

Why can't I remain as this dreamer,

who falls asleep at night

with heart full of hopes and dreams;

instead of waking up as this realist,

who questions every good thing

that blows her way.

I feel like a tossed coin

that never got the chance to land; 

and now I'm just endlessly, aimlessly

flipping around up in the air,

never knowing which side 

should I ever become.

Maybe This Time

I'm just an old soul
waiting to meet an old friend
from once, long ago.

source

In The Real World

I dragged these tired feet

inside this empty room

and plopped myself on

the corner of this bed.

Breathe in, breathe out,

breathe in, breathe out,

but the trembling didn't stop.

Picked up this guitar

and struck the first note.

Calmness washed over me

as I heard the familiar sound.

Press. Strum. Shift. 

Press. Strum. Shift.

Slowly my eyes closed,

my fingers hitting the right notes;

playing an old tune it knows by feel.

The beat of my heart slowed down 

as the music soothed me.

Press. Strum. Shift. 

Press. Strum. Shift.

The pattern hypnotized me,

a promise of deep sleep

within my reach,

until my fingers took 

a life of its own

and struck the wrong note.

It startled me awake

and I found myself back into the

real world once more.

source

***Just finished reading this haunting yet wonderful book and might need awhile before I can pick up another one. I need to get over this book hangover first. 

"I'm not the one playing the piano here. You're the one that needs to decide what the next note will be."

"But how do I know the next note is the right one?"

"The right note sounds right and the wrong note sounds wrong."

~ Marcelo In The Real World

Promises, Promises

Too much happiness 

could only lead to misery.

This was a lesson 

I've learned early in life.

To take each promises

with a grain of salt

could save you from

heartache caused

by empty promises.

Some may see it

as cowardice,

but for someone 

who has witnessed

too many heartaches,

it's only called

surviving. 

so promise me only one thing would you

just don't ever make me promises

no promises