na mamamalagi sa aking puso't isipan isang alaalang di na malilimutan alaalang baon upang harapin ang kinabukasan
sa bawat kirot na dala ng mga alaalang umaahon mula sa karagatan ng aking kaisipan ito'y taos puso kong hahagkan maibalik lamang kahit isang saglit ang ligayang dala ng ating nakaraan
I would have settled with just being constantly happy with you. I never would have expected for more, demanded for more. Maybe if only I had known that when we reached the tipping point, it would only mean that everything will just be going downhill from there.
and I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go?
It's been awhile. Well, I will just blabber my head off again to you since my brain is too wired up today and drinking tea and playing indie folk music ain't doing the trick to calm my nerves.
So here I am again, just finished cleaning up my entire room just to spend this excess energy that I've got (which is weird since I rarely have excess energy these days). I just can't help but wonder where it's coming from.
Anyway...
I think it all started last Oct. 14th, to be exact. I was on night duty that time, alone, and all of my patients were sound asleep - so I had all the time to just relax and browse through the files on my laptop. I was randomly scanning the files that I've recently recovered from my old laptop's hard drive when suddenly, I stumbled upon the story that I started last 2013 and haven't continued since then. It was both exciting and weird. I already forgot most of the things that I've written there and when I began to read it, it just made me feel happy and nostalgic. It brought back memories of me who was dreamy and starry eyed. Honestly, I miss that. But I've already learned to accept the fact that I can never go back to being the same person again. Maybe just a bit, since I still love reading and watching cheesy stories, but probably not in the same level as the old version of me. That's why I still can't help but feel a bit sad also because now I don't know how to give this characters of mine the ending that they need. I'm quite a bit torn because when I read it, I remembered the storyline that I was pushing for, but now I don't think I can go through that path anymore. It's been days and it's still bugging me. I tried my best to let it go, but they won't let me go. hahahaha! Now I don't know what to do. It's like the old me suddenly woke up and wanted to continue their story, but the grown-up, sensible part of me just cringes on what the other one wants to do and just wanted to shut her up. Yeah, I know. I can already hear people saying "another typical Gemini" while rolling their eyes.
Maybe I need to reach a compromise between these two soon because otherwise, they might make me crazier than I already am. Wish me luck! :))
Sharing a glimpse of their "meet cute". I know. I know. I'll just stop. hahaha! Just a bit of trivia though, this is one of the rare instances wherein I've given names to the characters that I've created. ;)
Hello there dearest blog. It's been awhile since I last spent time blabbering my thoughts away to you. And now, it's a full moon once again and suddenly it feels like all of my nerve endings are into overdrive and I'm overwhelmed by all of these emotions that I can't quite explain.
So, where should I begin?
2021
The first half of this year is quite a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs, slow beginnings and free fallings; and currently this shuttle is spinning around and around through a maze of surprising twists and turns. If I may tell you the truth, I'm finding it a bit hard to keep up, let alone to just catch my breath for a few moments.
Uncertainty. This is probably the thing that I fear of the most now. Before, uncertainty is something that excites me alot. Don't get me wrong, I still love surprises and unexpected adventures, but maybe not as much as I did when I was younger.
Why?
Well, the only reason that I could think of was maybe because almost everything suddenly changed - drastically - in such a short span of time. It made me lose my balance and now it seems like I'm back to where I began. I find myself testing the ground first before taking the next step, fearing that it might suddenly crumble underneath my feet.
** Commercial break: The weird thing is that this song by Griffin - Nobody Compares to You - played on my speakers and midway through it, my vision suddenly blurred and I realized that I'm actually beginning to tear up over the song. Hahahaha! I know. I'm weird.
Anyway, let's go back to what I was saying.
Where did it all begin? Simple - the pandemic. It did a reset button on my brain and now I see things more differently than I did before. I've become more cautious of my actions because I can't help but think that every small thing or action that I do could somehow greatly affect someone else.
*** NP: Taylor Swift's Death by a Thousand Cuts and Cornelia Street. Seriously, I don't know if my laptop is trying to make me cry my eyes out before I finish this post.
Another thing is my work. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love how I was able to become a part of someone else's life - even for just a short span of time - and was able to make them feel loved and cared for. However, being an empath (yep, I'm one of them), makes it easier and harder at the same time.
Easier, because I can sense the kind of attention that each resident (this is what we call the elderly people that we cater to in our shelter) would need from me. Some of them needs a person who will listen to their stories, others need someone who will tell them stories, and some need someone to just accompany them in complete silence. And honestly, I can shift into each persona quite comfortably.
Harder, because to be able to know what a person needs, you have to put yourself in their shoes. And most of the time, once I do try to put their shoes on, I also get to experience not just their joys and happiness, but their pains and heartaches as well. Imagine doing that for more than one person at a time on a 12 hour duty. I'm telling you, it can get really exhausting that at the end of the day, all I just wanted to do was fall onto my bed and go into a deep sleep and hopefully wake up the next day with a clear state of mind.
Still, I'm grateful for this gift and I wouldn't want to trade it for anything else. It's just that I am still human and I have to admit that it's hard when it turns into something more than I can handle. I know it can be a burden, but it's a burden that I'm willing to take.
Maybe, the only part of my work that I'm still trying to get used to is losing them one by one. It is inevitable, I know. But it still shakes me to the core everytime it happens, eventhough I already knew that it was going to happen soon. And hearing their stories about how they never thought that they would end up in a place like that makes me sad as well. Most of them admitted that they sometimes feel dejected knowing that it is the last place they will ever be because they have nowhere else to go to. And it breaks my heart and makes me scared at the same time; scared because it made me reflect on what my future might look like.
Most of the people who know me well already know that I don't have any plans of getting married or having a family of my own. Like, ever. I'm sure you're wondering why. Even me, I sometimes wonder about myself. Haha! What makes it even weirder though is that I'm a hopeless romantic through and through. Trust me when I say that I'm one of the cheesiest person you'll ever meet. I know, I contradict myself too much but I guess that's me and my Gemini heart talking.
The thing is, I was all set on growing old on my own, with family and friends on the side. It's just that lately I ended up feeling something similar to an empty nest syndrome. When my brother got married, I was still okay because I already got used to the idea of him not being home most of the time. Now it feels like my other siblings will soon be next, off to their own adventures as well. Then, my bestfriend, who has been a constant entity in our house for the past decade, transferred also and started on a new job that is at least a plane ride away from here. I understand that they will still be there when I need them and that what we are doing is part of our growth as individuals. It's just that they're my safety net - they're the ones who usually save me from myself and the nonsensical things that I sometimes end up doing. And now that they're far, I guess that's where my fear of uncertainty comes from. Fear that I might not be able to pick myself up just in case I stumble and fall. That's why I ended up almost rethinking my earlier plan.
But at the end of the day, when I think more about it, I still can't see myself in a lifelong relationship with someone. Please pardon me and my fickle Gemini heart. But I don't think it's a good idea to have the fear of being alone as a motivation to be in a relationship with someone. I know that there are days when I daydream about it, especially after watching some silly romantic movie or reading cheesy books on love and such. But after the high comes down, I still end up with my initial plan. Oh well, maybe it's really just the pandemic that unnerved me. Here's to praying and hoping that once everything becomes "normal" again, my thought processes shall be back to "normal" as well. Haha!
And there is so much we don't know
So we love and we hope that it holds
***P.S. I was looking for a song that would go along with this post when I tried searching for a song that would have the word uncertainty on it. And voila! I chanced upon this one. I just learned of its existence now yet somehow, this song fits so well.
Since I began working in my new workplace, I've become more aware of how fragile life is. One day, you' may be okay and in the next, your life may suddenly be hanging on a thread. With barely just four months in this job, I've already encountered four deaths of people I've just met and come to know. I know it is only natural since we are taking care of the elderly with no homes or relatives who would want to take care of them. Still, it saddens me that these people died without their loved ones around.
Because of this, everyday I have become more grateful of what I have. Even though I am not in want of too many material things, I have more than my fair share of love from family and friends. This pandemic has taught me the importance of appreciating what you have right now; because in the blink of an eye, what you thought will always be there can suddenly be taken away from you without even giving you a chance to fight for it.
Life's fragility scares the heck out of me. Not because I'm scared of not being able to do the things I want to do in the future, but mostly because I'm scared of losing the people who mean so much to me. There was an instance wherein I was having lunch with my family and we were laughing so hard about something, when suddenly, a thought flashed into my head. How long can this kind of happiness last? How many more of these laughing times do I still get to spend with them? Honestly, I teared up when I thought about it but I just pretended that I was crying because of laughing too hard.
Honestly, if we only keep on sharing love around us, the world will truly become a better place. It may sound too much of a cliche, but it is a cliche for a reason. It is because it is true.
Maybe my only wish if, God will permit, is to leave this earth ahead of the people I love. I wouldn't mind leaving early, as long as I won't be the one to get left behind. That is the only part of the future I'm too much of a chicken to face.
when the pain makes you want to close your eyes and forever be numb, rest your bones my dear and just reach out your hand, and i promise even through the dark you will always find mine
