Note To Self From 2016

Dear 2016 Jhun,

First off. How was the road trip?!?!?! I seriously want to know. Were you able to make it? I hope to god you did because if you didn't, I promise I'll swear you off to the deepest darkest ends of the earth. Just kidding. For a moment. :P

So kiddo, how are we? I wonder where you are currently seated right now while you're reading this. Are you still surrounded by the books we've collected all these years? By the same walls that we've painted and written poetry on just a couple of weeks ago? Remember how you felt when you started repainting these walls and your heart just twisted a little bit because you knew that you're letting go of a part of you to the backseat of this ride because you felt that you have to do it to make space for new memories? I remember that after finishing this room and I looked around, it felt like the room became too small because my roots have finally grown too big for this place and they're longing to spread themselves in another place. So what did you do about it? Did you ignore that call or did you listen to it? What were your reasons? 

I wish you had yourself get lost. But not lost in the sense that you didn't know what to do with your life. I'm talking about getting lost in living - in fully experiencing your life not just by surviving it. When you let your own self decide where you want to go without the help of planned maps and  unwarranted advice. It doesn't hurt to listen to them from time to time, but I hope that the choices you've made are the ones that you wanted to do in the first place.

So where are we working now? I'm kinda curious as to where we've finally landed our feet on. Did you miss working in school? The holidays and class suspensions? I hope you didn't turn yourself into a workaholic idiot though. :P

What did we do? Any grand vacations that we had? What are the new things we've tried? Tell me your story. I promise I will be here to listen.

Yours,

2015 Jhun

P.S. Another weird coincidence. Because you wrote this post at home last night where the internet connection's still down (raawr) and was about to post it here in the office and when you opened up Tyler Knott's blog, this was his typewriter for the day. Need anymore signs my dear? :P

***

Dear 2015 Jhun,

I can't believe it's been only a year since I wrote you this letter. After everything that happened, it felt longer. So where do I begin. Ah, I remember. Let's start with our 2015 yearender. We weren't able to join the tour because sadly, they ran out of slots when we were about to reserve. Don't be sad though, because we still managed to have that long needed vacation that we've wanted for a very long time. This time, we went to Baler. It's a camping adventure less the hassle of setting up our own camp and preparing our own food. It's more of a relaxing staycation with the perks of staying in a hotel, but instead of having a room in a high rise building with elegant foyers and fine dining restaurants, we stayed in a tent beside the beach. We were able to catch a wonderful view of the sunrise and caught glimpses of shooting stars falling from the sky. It's one for the books, that I can be sure of. :) 

As for your next question, yes, we're still in the same room that we painted a year ago. Same walls, same texts written on walls, same books and more. And yes, I can still remember how we felt suffocated in this place back then. And now I understand more why you did. Because everything felt too repetitive for us already that's why we felt the urge to move along. And I fear this will be an ongoing trend for us. That we cannot stay put in the same place for long periods of time, except maybe for this place that we call home. I don't know what to make of it, but for now, we're just going with the flow.

Because of this, we finally left our previous work last March. It felt surreal during that time beacuse everyting happened so fast. I know we've decided for months that we would leave by the end of the school year, but when the time came, I still couldn't believe that it was our last day. 

Now to our present work. The funny thing is, it's something (slightly) new. :P We're still working in a school, and it's a different one, but still a school (surprise!surprise!) so we didn't get to miss the holidays and such. Hahaha! But now, we're working in an inclusive school where we work with both typical kids and children with special needs. Let's just say we got carried away by a friend from our previous work that's why we got here. ;) 

Truth be told, this time around it felt more fulfilling even if our pay wasn't that high. It felt more like what we're doing means something more. And I guess this was what was lacking from our previous work. The real purpose. More than just making enough money to get through the day. The work is more tiring but at the end of the day, I appreciate how I spent my time. Don't get mad if I say that we turned into a little bit of a workaholic though. Because I'm telling you, what we're doing is something worth spending all our extra hours on. (I still can't believe how you were able to foresee what we're going to do even if we do not make any concrete plans for ourselves. 0_o)

As for now, I'm preparing for a three-day out-of-town trip for tomorrow. I forgot to tell you, maybe also this is why we felt too confined last year because this year, we're making a lot of trips between our current school and the other branch that we're building in another place. Let's just say it's a school within a nest of very, very old trees, situated in more than an acre wide land. Do you think it's wide enough for us already? ;)

I hoped you were happy with the things we did, because for me, I sure am. :)

Yours,

2016 Jhun

***

Dear 2017 Jhun,

How's life? I hope you're doing fine. Seriously, as of this moment, I can't think of anything to say to you. It's like I'm afraid to ask you, and of what, I don't know too. Blame it on the hormones, I think? 

Okay, just so I can think of something, let's do a round of Chuwariwap. Right now Kodaline's One Day is playing. Somehow this part gave me the goosebummps 

"You've felt this way for far too long

Waiting for a change to come

You know you're not the only one

And life passes you by
Don't be wasting your time
On your own"

Now let's wait for the answer to the reason what's in it for next year...

and it says...

Ten Feet Tall by Afroack 

and I still can't comprehend why.

the next one is...

Beating Heart by Ellie Goulding

as for the last one...

The Sound by The 1975

now this cheered me up just because it's one of my faves

Let's just wait and see how your year will go. ;)

Seriously, even after all of this, I'm starting to get anxious again. It's like the coming year, I'll spend time waiting, for what, I hope you'll know the answer by then, once you read this. I hope you're still listening to your guts my dear. Trust them as much as I did, because as far as I can recall, it has never failed us. Go with the flow. See where life will take us. Believe.

I'll be waiting for your story soon

Yours,

2016 Jhun

Oh! The Places That You'll Go

So today is your day,

and I don't have too much to say,

except these words

that I've come to know so well to tell.

Have a great day!

Be awesome.

Thank you for everything.

They may sound

too much of a cliche,

but these words are true,

and I hope that they too

are good enough for you.

Though the word grateful

is not enough for me

to describe how I feel

for having someone like you

stumbling into my life.

Even the words

bestfriend,

or even sister

feels like a cliche too,

when they ask me to describe you.

All I know is 

that you're my antonym

and yet, my synonym

in every single way;

both at the same time.

It may sound confusing to some,

but I'm sure you will understand

even if I too 

gets confused at times.

We are lost kids

still trying to find our

place in the world.

But even if the wind decides

to blow us in different directions,

just remeber that you will always be:

the Grey to my Yang,

the Autumn to my Summer,

the Rainbow to my Storm.

So here's a toast to another

chapter in your life.

May your feet never lead

you astray.

Cheers to all the places

that you will go.

When I'm Gone

Most days I feel fine.
I can even turn up a smile
whenever I think about it;
whenever I wonder about
the what could've beens,
the what should've beens.

But still,
there are days like this
when just the thought of you
can somehow tear me up in two.

What else can I do,
but just to brave it through?

Because it seems like
I couldn't help it;
I couldn't help but remember
that I was the girl -
and I realized
that somehow I still am -

The girl who stood
in front of a boy
and almost
asked him to love her.

Yet, fear held her back
because she believed that 
asking for love
will always have 
strings attached.

So she walked away 
and just let the words
curl up and die 
within her lips.

Never knowing then,
and learned of it too late,
that the words she was
too afraid to say
was just about
to leave his own lips,
as he tried to fight 
his own fears.

If only she 
had just given him 
a chance,
or even just
a second to speak.

Another big city on another long flight

wake up and I miss you in the middle of the night.

Maybe you want me,

or maybe you don't...

Love

I crashed and burned
when I met you.
Sparks flew in
in the midst
of our collision.
I can still smell
the lingering scent
of smoke that we 
left in our wake,
as I blindly touch
the scars
it left behind.
And not even once
did I regret
that our worlds collided.
For you taught me 
how love can make
you hurt
and still it can
make you smile
as you remember
how it made all the aches
worth taking.

s

Goodnight Goodnight

Sometimes I wonder,
what does it matter
if I wake up at
5 or 6?
Would it make
any difference
if the sun had
already risen,
as it drowns out
the city lights
in its warm glow?
What does it matter
if I went to sleep
at 7 or 8,
or even make it
as late as 12,
as everyone falls
into deep hushed 
conversations underneath 
the blankets
as if on cue.
Does any of it matter-
when do I wake
or when do I sleep-
when either way
I'd find myself alone
in this house,
with nothing but the
sound of my own voice
echoing back at me.

A Change of Heart

It all used to 
be you and me
before everything became
was.
Before we always said
I love you,
and we said the words
right back to each other
without a moment's hesitation.
Yet,
little by little,
the time came
when once there were 
no hesitations,
suddenly,
a heartbeat of silence
appeared out of nowhere,
right in between
my words and yours.
Until those heartbeats
turned into longer silences,
as if you fell into a cave
and only the echo of your voice
reaches my ears.
Until the time came
when we told everyone 
our story,
and how the words
used to appeared
between I and love you.

Hello there dear friends! It's been awhile. I know. No worries though, 'cause I'm planning to post here again soon. ;) For the meantime though, you can check sone of my stuff in Instagram 'cause that's where I usually post some of my written ramblings lately. (just follow this link) :) 

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

You feel so familiar -
she said
- as if I should know your name;
though no matter how hard
I try to search for it
here within the deep
recesses of my mind,
I  still couldn't.
Would it be possible
that I have known you from 
a different lifetime,
and in that one
we somehow fell apart.
That is why my head kept
on hiding your name away
from my memory,
just to save me from
the misery that the mere
mention of your name 
once brought me?

Summer Is Over

Here comes the storm,
the rains come barging in.
Thunder rumbles,
lightning strikes,
waking the fear 
curled up deep inside.
Please don't tell me
that the summer's already gone.
But even if it is,
I wouldn't mind
getting drenched in the rain.
If only you would just 
reach out your hand
and share with me 
the warmth,
the calm,
that only you could lend
this constantly 
shivering heart.

More Than Words

There are so many things 
that I want to say to you,
yet it seems like
I can't find
the right words to use 
and sometimes,
the ones that I manage to find
felt like they
weren't enough
so I'd rather just keep
my mouth shut.
I'd really want to use
my words, love
if only I knew 
how to speak them,
or even just knew
which ones to choose.
But for now,
will you be patient enough
with me to just 
lend me yours
even just for a little while?

Forever and Always

The worst nightmare

that I ever had

was the one

where I lost you.

Because when I woke up,

my chest hurt so much

it felt like it took

a thousand lashings

that makes even breathing 

hard to do.

It was only just a dream

but the pain was all too real,

and I'm afraid

that in this waking world

that we live in,

I won't be strong enough

to face that much hurt,
the one that could last forever.

Because in this place

I won't be able to tell myself

that it's only just a dream

and anytime soon

I'll wake up to your smile
once more.

Open Letter to the Other Side

Dear Tatay,

I didn't realize that it's already been six years since we started celebrating your birthday without you here. Who would've thought that this could last that long? That I could last this long while living with this ache that kept shelter in my heart since you left. I know it wasn't  your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. But the truth is, it hurts. Because I miss you so bad. The way your smile lights up the day. Or how you mindlessly whistle a song (usually it's La Vie En Rose) while answering the day's crossword puzzle with your morning cup of coffee. Your childhood stories and those that you had while saling the sea. And there's nothing I can do about this missing you. Except maybe live the remaining hours that I have, as fully as you did with yours. Maybe someday when we meet again, it'll be my stories that you'll be listening to. But until then, please save a spot for me beside you. I can't think of anything else to tell you now except, god I miss you. 

P.S. Thank you for the song.

Hook, Line, and Sinker

I've already worn a path
on the floorboads
of this empty house
while searching the closet,
the cupboards,
the cabinets
underneath the sink,
for words that I could use
to hook on a fish line.
To use it as a bait 
to reel this ache
out of the deepest 
part of me 
just so I can throw it
back to the sea
and watch it swim its way
towards the light 
of the sinking sun.

It Might Be You

It could have been you.

'Cause every time I

catch a glimpse of you,

I can hear my soul screaming at me

- "THIS ONE"

and every time

it would leave me breathless

from running away from that sound.

It shouldn't be you,

I said to myself,

because that would have been

too good to be true.

And that's what you are.

A miracle that happens

only once in a lifetime.

I just don't want to

use you up.

This song never fails to snap my heart into pieces then sew it back together. Yet here I am, torturing myself by hitting the replay button again and again and again. Pardon again my ever oh so hopeless romantic heart. ;) :P

If It's Love

There could probably be
no two people
more opposite than 
what we are.
Your waking hours
are when
I'm lying face down
on the bed.
You are already finishing
the fresh pot of tea
that you made,
and I'm just hitting
my first shot
of my daily caffeine fix.
Your side looks like
an artist's studio,
and mine looks like
a lunatic's cave.
Yet I don't know
how to explain this,
but it's everything you do
that is quite the opposite of
what I usually do,
that makes our pieces
fit perfectly
in just the right places.
Like how I feel safe and secure
inside the crook of your arm,
or how the stubble on your cheek
feels perfectly rough
against the palms of my hand
as I hold you close.

Hello Friday

Freedom. Take it. It's yo~~~~~~urs!

Hahahaha!

Have a happy weekend guys and gals. ;)

Toothbrush

Let's just keep it cool

- she said

Sure

- was his only reply

But every time

his lips touches hers,

and just kept on 

lingering there

It breaks her defenses

and makes her

only seconds away

from losing her cool.

***This is currently our guilty pleasure song. Don't judge. :P

Elegy for Virginia

A pocketful of stones

is the only reminder

that I have

of this existence.

Pardon me,

my love,

for I can't stop

the sinking -

no matter how

hard I tried to stay

afloat.

But as I sink

deeper into this abyss,

know that my arms

were kept outstretched

to your beckoning light

and that thoughts of you

will be the last thing

on my mind.

Travel Diary #1

If you're expecting for an account of my vacation travel, this is SO NOT IT. Pardon me if the title mislead you, but in truth, this is just all about my commute to and from work. :P

So for the first entry.

Usually, whenever I ride the FX or jeep to the office, I always have my earphones on. Since it's a long travel (around 30mins to an hour depending on the the traffic) and I forgot to place a book inside my bag, I ended up mulling some random things over my head. And the one that popped in today was the last book I finished which was All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. SPOILER ALERT! If you haven't read the book yet and you're planning to, you may stop now and just get back to this once your done. A'right? Now that you've been warned, let me continue.

So as I was thinking it over, I suddenly felt sad as I remembered how the story of Finch and Violet eventually turned out.  Just to give you a background of the story, Finch was a boy with a bipolar disorder (although you only have to assume this on the first parts of the book because it wasn't initially acknowledged) and he met Violet, a girl who got into a vehicular accident with her sister and the sister died and she survived. They ended up doing a school project wandering around Indiana. They fell in love. They fought. Then in the end, Finch took away his life. But take note that he did it not because of their fight. 

I can actually imagine how Violet felt that time when she realized that Finch was dead. How she felt helpless because she thought that she could've done something to save him. And I know how it feels to be helpless from saving the one that you love. It's like getting sucker punched and no matter how hard you try, your chest just feels too tight and you can't get a breath into your lungs. Sometimes you wonder if the pain will just go away on its own if you will stop catching your breath and just let it all out until it hurts no more. 

I guess I'll never know. Because the pain is still there, and I'm glad for it. Although not for the days when you get sucker punched again, but for the days that you felt strong enough to brave it through. And honestly, the pain made me feel alive. It made me want to see the beauty in all things, no matter how simple they are. It taught me how to live my life to the fullest. And spend every waking hour as if it's my last. :)

P.S. I don't know if I've mentioned it already, but I have this weird connection with my playlist and songs playing on the radio. Most of the time, the songs that are popping out of my head will suddenly play as if on cue. Trust me, it happens most of the time. I even have a witness if you ever need one. :P Anyway, for today, Red Hot Chili Pepper's Under the Bridge played on the radio as I was beginning my "reflections" and it seemed so fitting for my thoughts. Then when I got to the part wherein I thought of how heartbreaking it was when Finch took away his life, Smells Like Teen Spirit played next. And for those of you who didn't know, Kurt Cobain is one of my favorite guys and just like Finch, he too took away his life. Then when I arrived in the office, I checked my Facebook account since I still have a few minutes before I need to start on my work. And when I opened it, the only notification that I had was a memory from a couple of years ago when I changed both my profile pic and cover pic to Nirvana. I know you might say that it was just a coincidence, and all I can say is coincidence has been a regular part of my life lately. ;)

P.P.S. You might find it bothering/weird if I say that one of my favorite pieces is the suicide letter of Virginia Woolf, which was also mentioned in the book. Read it for yourself though before you judge.

Dearest,

I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer.

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

Love is Patient

I could have told you 

I love you 

the first time,

if only I knew where to find you.

I can feel your soul

roaming around

the same world as mine,

but our paths never did cross.

Maybe we were just not 

meant to meet in this lifetime.

But if there's one thing

I've learned in this one,

it's how to be patient.

So maybe when we meet in

the next one,

the universe will be kind enough

to drop us on the same side

of the world,

and make finding each other

much easier.

Sleep Walker

I walked down through these

once familiar streets; Now it's

empty without you.

*** Found this among my unpublished posts from 3 years ago. :P

Heartbeat

I wouldn't trade this 

moment for anything else.

When we settle into this,

with you heart

thudding erratically against 

the walls of your chest

and reverberates into mine,

the world suddenly shrinks

into this globe of glass

that seems like to hold

only just the two of us,

safe against the storm

that is howling,

waiting for us outside.

It Was Only Just A Dream

Just a funny feeling. Have you ever had this dream that keeps on bothering you even though it really wasn't that unusual? Because I have this one dream that somehow my mind doesn't want to let go. The weird thing about it for me was it didn't feel like a dream. It felt more like of a memory. Like I lived it in another parallel universe while I was asleep in this one. There was nothing special about it, really. Here's how it goes:

I was wandering around the town with someone (I actually can't remember if it's a he or a she) when we suddenly went into an antique shop where that person told me that it's the place where the music video of a certain song was shot. I asked him/her for the title and s/he told me. I said that I didn't recognize that song but suddenly, it played in the store's sound system. And that's when I recognized it. (Actually, the title that the person told me in my dream was different than it's title in the real world). The song that played was "Love is the Answer". The funny thing about it was it's when I woke up and the song that was playing on my radio was that song, so probably it just snuck into my dream and that's how it got there. But now, everytime I hear this song, it makes me feel like I have to remember something from my dream. And I'm getting bothered too much lately because it's been popping out of nowhere and playing in unusual places. 

P.S. 05/16: I just remembered. One of the things that caught my attention was how the antique shop looked. As far as I can remember, the facade looked like your usual stone buildings; but once you get inside the door, it looked like an attic. What's weird though was after getting inside the door, there's a platform with a balcony first and a short staircase (around 5-6 steps) to your right leading you downstairs. Get it? Attic? Downstairs? Anyway, the interior itself looked like an attic, complete with an A-shaped roof and windows on the sides where the afternoon sun shines in. 

Song For Someone

Living a life

distracted by the mundane.

Spending the hours

surviving this

emptiness

lurking inside of me.

I tried to settle

into what they call

a regular life;

a nine to five job

and a regular paycheck

at the end of each month.

It was enough -

I told myself.

To fill this hollow pit.

But in these unguarded moments,

my soul screams out

a song - 

a silent one

that cannot be heard.

But can certainly be felt

by someone out there.

You let me into a conversation

A conversation only we could make

You're breaking into my imagination

Whatever's in there is yours to take

I was told I'd feel

Nothing the first time

You were slow to heal

But this could be the night

Lost At Sea

Here I stand 

underneath the sky,

my feet sinking deep

into the sand and sea.

Here wherein

dark and light collides

I'll see your face

amongst the clouds.

The distance in between

has nothing against

what we have.

For when I stand here

where the sun meets the sky,

I can feel you standing here

with me

as we watch in awe

at the the world that 

holds both of us in.

It never ceases to amaze me that every time my feet touches the sand, and the sea wets my feet, it always feels like coming home to me. I feel blessed that whenever I visit my grandma, I can just step out of her house and step into this.

Is It Too Late? (To Apologize)

Hello there my dear friends. I just want to apologize for being gone for quite a long time. It really wasn't my intention to suddenly leave you hanging. Yet, after awhile, I didn't intend to come back also. I guess I just got a little bit scared because when I began writing, it felt like I was leaving my heart out open to everything. To all the joys and heartaches that a heart can hold, which can be quite overwhelming for someone who has always been used to bottling up her feelings inside. Circumstances forced me to stop for awhile, and day after day, I kept on making reasons to myself why it's for the better. But circumstances also made me realize, who am I kidding? It doesn't make everything better, idiot. All along I was just making it worse, trying to stay away. So why make myself miserable if I already know how to make it better, ayt? But I can't promise you though that I'll be back in full swing. But trust me when I say that I'll do everything I can to stay.;) Thank you for keeping faith. :)

I Try

All the signs,
I somehow tried to ignore,
relentlessly led me back to you.
I kept my mouth shut
and these feelings as well,
as I tried to teach
myself each day
that you were just
a mere happenstance
that coincided with my
thoughts,
thoughts that I trusted
to be the signs
that will lead me to
anywhere but here.
Though how can I
trust these thoughts,
when I can't even
find the courage in me
to trust my own gut?
A part of me wants to keep
my faith in you.
Yet a part of me too
is too afraid to put
too much faith in you.

The Scientist

Memories 

are shards of glass

you keep inside your heart.

Souvenirs of

time that passed by;

making your heart bleed 

everytime you pull

a single piece out.

It hurts -

but still you do it 

once in  a while -

just to reminisce

how it felt before.

Tell me your secrets

and ask me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start...

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start...

Only Hope

Sometimes I wonder 

what do you see

when you look at me?

Do you notice the 

quivering in my chin

as I try to keep this

practiced smile on my face?

Or how my fingers twist

into knots as I try

to will away the anxiety

residing in  my veins?

I tried to hide these scars,

these vulnerable spots

where I tried to glue

the pieces of me back together.

But I have a feeling

that you can see

right through it all.

Does it make you want

to turn around and 

move on to the opposite

direction?

It's alright.

I wouldn't mind.

Because when I look at you,

it feels like watching

the sun rise from the 

darkest depths of dawn.